by Rodney Marks | Feb 9, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Ideas, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing, I’m having an audiology check-up” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Let Us Cuss: Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.
“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
Un-intelligent Design: We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
I work out religiously: Christmas and Easter.
Zen for the Internet Age
- If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
- What is the sound of no hands texting?
- If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
- To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a co-worker whispered to me, “That Larry: he always has to put his two saints in.”
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites
- What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
- At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
- Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
- How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
- She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
- Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
- 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
- What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
- This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
- Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
Eve’s Online Dating Profile
Sex: Female
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favourite music: Birds
Favourite movies: Birds
Favourite food: Birds
Hobbies: Being tempted, birds
Profession: Woman
Personality: VERY easily tempted
Turn-ons: Adam, birds
Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks
Looking for: The only other person in existence
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to
his thick glasses and begs for
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”
“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”
“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.
“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”
The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”
Spotted on a church marquee: “Love your enemies; After all, You made them.”
As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services.
One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon title for that day was: “What Makes God Sick: Pastor Joe Smith.”
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
