by Rodney Marks | Dec 31, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We herein and therefore hereby continue the hitherto episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
going forward
Not yet. Compare moving forward, which means never.
good employee, a
Not in popular currency.
government
- A protection racket masquerading as a charity.
- A tax on both our houses.
greed
- Good. Agreed.
- Not giving in to the envious.
- Not giving to the envious.
- Not giving in to the jealous.
- Not giving to the jealous.
gross
- Not nice.
- Earnings before profit is taken away.
groupthink
- A disciplined lynch mob.
- The collective wisdom of empty skulls.
- A con census.
growth
Lump on the credit side of the balance sheet, usually appearing at the time of the CEO’s remuneration review, before the bulge is moved to the debit side and the CEO is given a payout equivalent to the gross national product of a small Third World country.
guarantee
The fine art of standing by your product or service, subject to the fine print.
guesstimate
Easily evaded, eerily educated excusable estimate.
guru
- A titled person who preaches what you believe you are entitled to.
- Roo goo.
gut feeling
- Tummy-ache.
- Foreplay between the overweight. (Circles don’t tessellate.)
- The basis for truly effective decision-making.
- Something you don’t learn … in tuition.
happiness
An imaginary state much favoured by unhappy social scientists at dinner parties.
hard work
- Substitute for ability.
- Antonym of management.
head-hunter
Executor, matchmaker, cannibal and sometimes pimp, who shaves the edges off square pegs so that they can be jammed into round holes long enough for the finder’s fee to be paid.
hero
Someone who protects the company from its managers.
hierarchy
Cascading ranking created in the image of those at the top, to remind all others that they are not. This explains why leaders are in a constant state of anarchy, as there is no one above them. Hierarchies have more strata on the way up.
hierarchy of needs
The ranking of human requirements by psychologists, with psychological assistance required to reach high levels. This ensures high fees for the rapists (sic) therapists.
high-tech
- Description of any inanimate object more complicated than a paper clip, and not as reliable.
- An automatic waiver.
history
- Accidental banalities of the past, listed in chronological order.
- Stories that glorify their writers.
(See minutes)
holiday
Like retirement, proof of poor job selection.
home shopping
- Buying things that you don’t need from the comfort of your own credit card.
- Looking for somewhere to live, from where you live.
honesty
Socially acceptable lying.
hope
Believing that you will succeed in your next job.
horizontal integration
Buying organisations like yours so that you don’t have to compete with them. However, even though you might own firms in your industry stratum, your whole business will be better off if each part of it competes with all others. So you may as well not integrate horizontally. Just lie down until the compulsion goes away.
hospitality
One bite away from hospital management.
hostile takeover
Takeover.
hot-desking
Renting corporate real estate by the human resource, thereby exchanging one cubicle for another.
housekeeping
Doing unto your own before they do unto you, so that you may jointly do unto others.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Dec 29, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here we continue continuing with the continuation of the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
forecasting
A predictive activity popular since Biblical times, and even before, which is a testament to its popularity. The chances of success have remained constant for millennia.
foreign
- Strangers at first sight.
- Taking the Zen out of xenophobia.
foreigner
- Any driver slower than you.
- Someone who speaks management as a second language.
foreman
A boss with a better shirt than a first-line supervisor, but who still has no power.
formal organisation
One where ‘casual Friday’ was tried and convicted, but not executed.
fortune
- What some make and others spend.
- When income exceeds expenditure.
franchising
The linking of small franchisees to make them operate like one large business, by giving franchisees all the risk and middle managers the authority of executives and the responsibility of the front-line workers, while the franchisor yields the highest returns.
fraud
- The myth that managers are worth what they pay themselves.
- Freudian slip.
free market
Where goods are sold to people who want them at prices they are prepared to pay. You can see how different government is.
free-trade agreement
- Truce between governments.
- Trade without government intervention.
friendly fire
In the military, this refers to the accidental killing of troops from one’s own side. In business, this organisationally self-destructive behaviour is often provoked by managers whose sloppy and corrupt style goes unnoticed in a crisis. ‘We made that decision in the fog of war‘ is the favourite excuse of the friendly fire manager.
full disclosure
Stupidity.
fundamentals
The rudiments and building blocks of a management practice, without which it would be rootless, insubstantial, vacuous, facile and gratuitous. No-one knows what these elusive elements are, but when articulated and elucidated, everything will be made clear.
funny
You should ask.
game
- Invented by managers for fun.
- Simulation stimulation situation.
- Re: veal.
- The theory that criminals only have dilemmas when they become prisoners.
gender
On forms, often confused with sex, which is not an option.
general manager
So called because he’s not good at anything in particular.
(See specialist)
gibberish
- The official language of public relations consultants.
- Capital communiqués.
- Like gibber.
- Malevolent retractable patois.
global
Aspirational assertion of intent to sell or work further afield, such as in the next office building.
glossary
Something to gloss over.
goals
The line of failed past objectives that form a trajectory of future points to aim for.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Dec 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
On and on we go … with the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
facilitator
An agent provocateur.
factory
A place full of humans but devoid of humanity.
facts
The theory that things exist.
fad
Your enemy’s management philosophy.
fail
Something you can’t let pass.
fairness
- What happens to blondes. Of any gender.
- Being blonde. In any state.
faith
Rational belief in the irrational, and/or vice versa.
fallacy
The mistaken view of male superiority.
family
- Prized distraction from the main game.
- Labour you don’t get paid for.
fast-track
Road to unqualified disaster taken by queue-jumping MBAs.
favours
The real currency of management. That is, politics.
faux
A fair-weather fax.
fax
Tantamount to the verisimilitude of the approximation of the facsimile of the real thing.
fear
360o justified paranoia.
feedback
A way of burying complaints in an orderly manner.
feminism
- A style of corporate architecture characterised by structures with glass ceilings.
- The desire to get balls by castrating men.
- The recognition of females as isms, not ologies.
(See balls and juggle them)
finance
The name of the executive or department who or which can predict the past. Usually acts as a disapproving parent to the adults in operations and the children in marketing.
financial institutions
- Insurance companies and their insurers, the reinsurance companies, and their insurers – oops, they’re not insured, so someone has to bear the risk … oh that’s right, the customers via exorbitant premiums.
- Non-banks masquerading as banks while evading regulatory authorities’ regulations and authority.
fine print
- Justification for lawyers’ billable hours.
- Terms and conditions that are deliberately hard to read and understand.
- Penalty for literacy.
first-line supervisor
A boss whom you can actually see and talk to.
fiscal policy
How government earns unearned income and plans to misspend it.
fixed capital
Money someone senior to you has already allocated.
fixed costs
Expenditure items that you can’t do anything about.
flattery
- Praise for the vanity of Planet He.
- Verbal gas released at high pressure through a narrow opening.
- Phonetic philately fishing for the imprimatur of a stamp of approval.
focus
The ability to see what’s going on when everyone around you is screaming ‘Fire!’ – unless of course there really is a fire, in which case the locus of your single focus hocus-pocus makes you toast.
focus group
A roomful of opinionated citizens whose views are meant to represent the millions of prejudices held by the whole world or some smaller market segment. Given that 37.46 percent of the data from quantitative research is made up on the spot, qualitative research is a more cost-effective way of coming up with authoritative, inaccurate information.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Dec 27, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
With more episodes than Star Wars or the Carry On series, we carry on with the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
egalitarianism
The belief that all subordinates should submit equally.
egoist
An eye for an I.
elitist
The very best team player: the player who plays with the team.
ellipsis
- . . . (sic)
- Periodic detention.
- There’s no end to it.
- An illustration of the importance of the rhetorical device of grouping things in threes.
eloquence
Teflon quality of CEOs to smooth over mistakes with words.
email
- Medium for the manufacture and distribution of trivia.
- Spam-generator.
- A dis-missive.
- Gender neutral sin tax.
emotional intelligence
The ability to know when to be emotional, when to be intelligent and when to cry.
empowerment
Letting people think that they’re doing what they want by empowering them with the word ‘empowerment’, while they work for you under your direction.
end
enlightenment
- Lying in the sun without getting sunburnt.
- The incorrect belief that thinking is good:
- because there are more good ideas than bad ones, and
- because good ideas are more persuasive.
entrepreneur
Someone who makes a virtue out of improvisation. Like an actor who can’t learn lines, an entrepreneur doesn’t work well with others but often gets the best roles and the biggest laughs.
error
One who errs.
(see mistakes and omissions)
erudition
Wisdom’s rude awakening.
estimate
A claim made by business planners to show that they have a sense of humour.
ethics
The last recourse of CEOs to explain what went wrong.
evaluation
Using the divining rod of the retrospectroscope to determine who did what well when.
evidence
What I learnt in the lift on the way here.
examination
- Politically incorrect performance discrimination. Under attack because it is a vehicle for failing students and thus discriminates against those with low ability.
- The only test of knowledge gained, as distinct from plagiarised essays, syndicate groups and computer simulations. Produces so much anxiety that normally self-contained students find that the competition between their intellect and bladder requires frequent trips to the privacy of the bathroom cubicle.
excellence
Quality pursued by CEOs who believe that they should be addressed as Your Excellency.
executive
- Someone who executes executive decisions.
- A senior disempowered employee, one level below someone with authority.
- Someone who executes subordinates’ careers.
executive summary
- Writing for illiterates.
- The bit that is actually read.
existentialist
- The essence of nothing.
- No exit.
exit interview
Showing an interviewee the door.
expenditure
The catalogue of excuses for where the income went.
experiment
Human resource management.
expert
- Someone who stayed at university one degree longer than you.
- What non-experts call themselves and each other.
- Someone better paid than you are.
- A well-credentialed and expensive person from somewhere prestigious, who says the obvious with much eloquence and at great length.
expertise
The qualified stripping away of certainty.
exploitation
The exploits of successful CEOs.
… … … … …
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Dec 26, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Having fun with business jokes, we continue the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
doctorate
What you do with someone else’s data.
do-nothing decision
Say no more.
doubt
We hesitate to offer even a tentative definition.
downmarket
A position attractive to astute consumers unconvinced by branding.
downsizing
Being linguistically sensitive when rightsizing or outsourcing.
dream
Thinking that managers matter. (Having a vision.)
drill down
To actually find out what’s below the surface of a problem. As in mining, data-mining, biopsies and autopsies, some of the information will necessarily be destroyed in the process; this is the Observer Effect.
(See data-mining)
driver, personal
Your auto motive.
due diligence
Approving of what you are buying.
(See caveat emptor)
duty
Archaic concept connoting an obligation to do the right thing, now performed only by garbage collectors.
e.g.
An example, for instance.
early riser
The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
e-commerce
- An internet-based form of value creation in which the usual economic and accounting measures do not apply, except if you need cash, in which case you are forced into a state of involuntary recreation.
- Eeking out a living in the virtual world.
econometrics
- An invalid, non-theoretical and incorrect ‘discipline’: there are no constants of human behaviour, measures of quantity are historical and utility is not intersubjectively comparable.
- Making assumptions about assumptions, and assigning number to them.
economic
(adjective) Parsimonious.
economics
- The study of the logical implications of human action.
- The multiple of economic.
economies of scale
The argument, put forward by economists, that buying, selling or making lots of the same thing makes the whole process profitable, when fewer numbers would be sub-economic.
economist
- It depends.
- An economic mist.
- Something the economy missed.
EDP (Electronic Data Processing)
- Warehousing irrelevant information.
- Losing irrelevant information alphabetically.
education
What people use to develop a talent for training, and the ability to see through and go beyond it.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
