by Rodney Marks | Jan 31, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
- I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
- Who says ‘nothing is impossible’. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
- I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
- We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober.
- When my boss told me this is the fifth time I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
- Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
- All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
- How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
- Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
- This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
- A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the work day.
- Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.
- If we knew what we were doing it wouldn’t be called research.
- My job is secure. No one else wants it.
- If you worked hard and didn’t get anything in return, it means someone else got it.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.
- My resume is just a list of things I hope I never get asked to do.
- Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- I can’t be fired. Slaves are sold.
- If work is so great, why do they have to pay you to do it?
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 31, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
- Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. (Thomas Edison)
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? (George Carlin)
- You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. (Jack London)
- If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. (Donald Trump: comedy writer; US President)
- Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. (Kyle Chandler)
- Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. (Albert Einstein)
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. (A.A. Milne)
- A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. (Anonymous)
- Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers)
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain)
- Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. (Ellen DeGeneres)
- Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. (Tom Lehrer)
- Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. (Isaac Asimov)
- Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavour. (Truman Capote)
- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. (Zig Ziglar)
- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. (Dalai Lama)
- When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard’, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ (Sydney Harris)
- I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. (Lily Tomlin)
- If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. (Marie Osmond)
- There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. (Roger Staubach)
- Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop. (Anonymous)
- Life is a blank canvass, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. (Danny Kaye)
- If you hit the target every time it’s too near or too big. (Tom Hirshfield)
- There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. (Bill Watterson)
- I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
- Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. (Voltaire)
- I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. (Benjamin Franklin)
- Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there. (Josh Billings)
- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. (Cathy Guisewite)
- Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (Charles Schulz)
- Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times. (Napoleon Hill)
- Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t. (Richard Bach)
- I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. (Cassandra Duffy)
- By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)
- My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. (Dave Barry)
- Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts’, probably lost. (Martina Navratilova)
- If you fall, I’ll always be there. (The Floor)
- Focus, focus, focus! What am I, a telescope?! (Naruto Uzumaki)
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Steven Wright)
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 29, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here are some jokes that I’ve written about words and the people who use them. © Rodney Marks, 2017.
… … … … …
- (This opening line begins with clearing the throat.) Sorry, I have a touch of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but that’s neither floccinaucinihilipilification nor there.
- What’s the synonym for thesaurus?
- The best thing about concision is that it’s over before you know it.
- I taught myself to be an autodidact.
- I thought that I was discombobulated, but I may be confabulating.
- If you don’t know what schadenfreude means, then I experience it.
- Verisimilitude is almost the same as the real thing.
- Any questions? I’ve got some answers and I’d like to use them.
- In my family, coprolalia is taboo.
- I was unhappy to learn that ignorance is bliss.
- A pause is the beginning of a silence, or at least that’s what I heard.
- I see that you’re supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in your antidisestablishmentarianism.
- Gobbledygook is gibberish to me.
- You may think I’m an irritable, cantankerous, irascible curmudgeon, but you’d be wrong.
- Remember, nothing comes from nothing. That’s really something, but it’s not everything.
- You know, the more you know, the less you know you know. The less you know, the less you know you don’t know. Don’t you know it.
- Indubitably is beyond doubt.
- Emolients make you soft.
- Feeling crapulent drives me to drink.
- Being preantepenultimate is better than being fourth last.
- Even since I began using sesquipedalian, I’ve become one.
- Circumperambulation is a walk in the park.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 29, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
1. If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. James Goldsmith
2. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi
3. Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? Steve Jobs
4. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
5. Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. Jim Collins
6. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon
7. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. Ronald Reagan
8. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. George Bernard Shaw
9. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde
10. The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith
11. Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
12. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. Laurence J. Peter, The Peter Principle
13. Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote, Parkinson’s Law.
14. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley
15. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell
16. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson
17. I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw
18. Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young
19. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard
20. There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman
21. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. Howard Aiken
22. There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker
23. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
24. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
25. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
26. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather
27. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty
28. The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler
29. Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan
30. If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
31. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns
32. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes
33. It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke
34. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose
35. If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average. MH Alderson
36. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields
37. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp
38. If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick
39. The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George
40. Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell
41. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown
42. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson
43. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain
44. Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams, Dilbert
45. Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
46. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde
47. All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Aristotle
48. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool
49. Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes. Henry Thoreau
50. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert, The Office
51. Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. Benjamin Disraeli
52. You never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington
53. Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Goldstein S. Truism
54. Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Joseph Heller
55. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
56. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson
57. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte
58. One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings
59. There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark
60. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt
61. Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues. David Ogilvy
62. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 28, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
It is impossible to communicate with absolute precision. There’s always room for nuance, misinterpretation and confusion. For instance, when identifying a colour, describing it so precisely that it could be identified exactly is rare.
There are more colours than most of us have names for. And more colours than there are names for, as the are an infinite number of gradations.
I was recently at a business event and asked a delegate wearing a pinkish outfit what colour it was. We workshopped salmon and coral, before agreeing that it was the colour of a salmon crashing into coral: blood orange.
If we can’t agree on colour, being evidence-based, how can we agree on issues, products, services and personalities?
How many of these colours (and blacks, greys and whites) can you identify with precision?
… … … … …
Black
Ebony, inky, jet, licorice, noir, onyx, pitch, raven, sable, sooty, tar
Grey
Ash, battleship, charcoal, cinder, flint, granite, iron, lead, pelican, platinum, putty, salt-and-pepper, silver, slate, smoke, steel
White
Achromatic, alabaster, bone, chalk, cream, dove, eggshell, ivory, manila, milky, nougat, off-, oyster, pearl, snow
Green
Apple, aquamarine, avocado, bottle, cucumber, cyprus, emerald, forest, grass, jade, leaf, lime, mint, olive, pea, pistachio, sea, teal, turquoise, ultramarine
Yellow
Amber, blonde, canary, chamois, champagne, citron, corn, flaxen, gold, honey, lemon, maize, mustard, saffron, sand, straw, sulphur, sunflower, sunny, wheaten, yolk
Brown
Auburn, beige, bronze, brunette, burnt almond, burnt ochre, burnt sienna, burnt umber, butterscotch, camel, caramel, chocolate, cinnamon, cocoa, coffee, copper, earth, faun, hazel, khaki, leather, liver, mahogany, mocha, nut, ochre, peppercorn, raw sienna, raw umber, sepia, sienna, tan, tawny, terra-cotta, titian, toast, topaz, umber, walnut
Orange
Apricot, cantaloupe/rock melon, carrot, ginger, mandarin, peach, pumpkin, salmon, tangerine
Red
Blood, blush, brick, burgundy, cerise, cherry, claret, cranberry, crimson, henna, lobster, magenta, maroon, paprika, pimento, ruby, ruddy, rust, scarlet, strawberry, vermillion
Pink
Carnation, coral, flamingo, hot, rose, shocking, water melon
Purple
Amethyst, aubergine/eggplant, deep, fuchsia, grape, lavender, lilac, mauve, mulberry, pansy, plum, prune, violet
Blue
Baby, cobolt, cyan, dark, deep, delft, electric, flag, ice, indigo, marine, midnight, navy, pale, powder, royal, sapphire, sea, sky, slate, true, water.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
