Academic humour that’s theoretically funny

  1. Social science isn’t very.
  2. What did the sociologist ask the anthropologist? ‘What did the sociologist ask the anthropologist?’. How did the anthropologist answer the sociologist? ‘There’s a better way to tell this joke’.
  3. If criminology students empathised, would it be a crime?
  4. What did the psychologist say to the psychiatrist? Nothing – he was too defensive, anxious, intimidated, jealous and conflicted.
  5. I look back at history … that’s the right direction.
  6. The creativity student said to the innovation student: ‘I think that rainbow is somewhere on the spectrum, but how do we know for sure?’. The innovation student replied: ‘I’ll tell you if you show me the colour of your money’.
  7. In the study of art: the artist gets the status, the teacher gets the money and the student gets the message.
  8. I like visual art. And non-visual. It’s the rest I don’t get.
  9. If you’re an empty book and a blank slate, and you study another language, will you still have nothing to say?
  10. Can there be literature without paper?

© Rodney Marks, 2017.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Jokes just for fun

  1. I tell Dad jokes. He likes them.
  2. Memory’s a big thing at my age. I sometimes forget to put the what’samacallit in the thingamybob so whosit has to use the whatsit in the thingamajig instead, and what’shisface, who does diddleysquat on his thingo thingy, reckons what’shername’s even worse.
  3. I never swear. Even under oath.
  4. I wear a suit because it’s deductible. Seinfeld deducts coffee. And cars.
  5. My comedy is for Aficionados. Other bikies don’t get it.
  6. You’re pedantic if you undo the bold in the blank space between tabs.
  7. You’re pedantic if you delete your history from Google … Maps.
  8. I’m not sure if pedantic is quite the right word.
  9. Have you ever noticed observational comedy?
  10. It’s not pretentious for me to use Latin. I’m just remembering the language of my youth. His name’s Vito.

© Rodney Marks, 2017

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Dad jokes about religion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:

“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”

  

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ.

“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”

One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

 

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a 
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

 

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”

 

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

                                                         

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing, I’m having an audiology check-up” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

  

Let Us Cuss: Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

  

Un-intelligent Design: We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.

Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.

 

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”

It worked. When it came time 
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”

 

I work out religiously: Christmas and Easter.

 

Zen for the Internet Age

  • If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
  • What is the sound of no hands texting?
  • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
  • To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

 

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a co-worker whispered to me, “That Larry: he always has to put his two saints in.”

  

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites

  1. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
  2. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
  3. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
  4. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
  5. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
  6. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
  7. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
  8. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
  9. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
  10. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

  

Eve’s Online Dating Profile

Sex: Female

Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old

Location: Over by some ferns

Height: A tall vine

Weight: A bunch of sticks

Body Type: Only female type there is

Favourite music: Birds

Favourite movies: Birds

Favourite food: Birds

Hobbies: Being tempted, birds

Profession: Woman

Personality: VERY easily tempted

Turn-ons: Adam, birds

Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks

Looking for: The only other person in existence

 

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”

 

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up 
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

 

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.

Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”

 

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.

Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.

Me: Oh, thank you.

Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.

 

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

 

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

How does Moses make tea?

He brews.

 

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

  

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”

 

“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

 

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

  

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

  

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

  

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Who are you?” the burglar asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.

“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

 

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

  

Spotted on a church marquee: “Love your enemies; After all, You made them.”

 

As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services.

One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon title for that day was: “What Makes God Sick: Pastor Joe Smith.”

  

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Punchlines explain the whole story

Jokes demonstrate the value of being concise. Often the punchline is enough, and the set-up is superfluous. Perhaps the same can be said for many presentations and documents, when the executive summary alone is best.

  1. How do you think I rang the doorbell?
  2. There’s my thermometer. Now where the heck did my pen go?
  3. What you mean we, white man?
  4. OK, but when you pull that thing out, it better have numbers on it.
  5. Hey, wait a minute. That’s not a duck.
  6. Wrecked ’em? Darn near killed ’em.
  7. $10, same as downtown.
  8. Because goose doesn’t rhyme.
  9. Everybody.
  10. $2,500.05 for selling your body? Who gave you the five cents?
  11. Nah, we need the eggs.
  12. What, and give up show business?
  13. And the bear says, ‘you aren’t really here for the hunting are you?’
  14. But the chicken was my idea.
  15. If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum powder.
  16. You’re Thor? I can hardly thit down.
  17. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?
  18. Oppornockity tunes but once.
  19. I can’t tell you, you’re not a Monk.
  20. I’ve been asked that question about a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.
  21. Watson, you idiot. Some thieving bastard has pinched our tent.
  22. So they don’t whistle on the way down.
  23. You’d be amazed at the burst of adrenaline you get when you bite yourself in the nether regions.
  24. Arrr, it’s driving me nuts.
  25. So I bit him.
  26. And on Friday it’s your turn in the barrel.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

A slogan is a slow gun unless it’s a punchline

Advertising with humour makes what’s being advertised more likeable, memorable and saleable.

…   …   …   …   …   …

  1. DeBeers “Diamonds are forever” – 1948
  2. Nike “Just do it” (1988 video commercial)
  3. Coca Cola “The pause that refreshes” – 1929
  4. Miller Lite “Tastes great, less filling” – 1974
  5. Avis “We try harder” – 1962
  6. Maxwell House “Good to the last drop” – 1959
  7. Wheaties “Breakfast of champions” – 1930s
  8. Clairol “Does she … or doesn’t she?” 1964
  9. Morton Salt “When it rains it pours” – 1912
  10. Wendy’s “Where’s the beef?” – 1984
  11. Molson Canadian Beer “I am Canadian” 1994-1998
  12. Miller Beer “The Champagne of bottled beer” – 1950s
  13. SBC communications “Seeing small business differently” – 1932
  14. T-Mobile “Get More” – 2005
  15. WINS Radio, New York “You give us 22 minutes, we’ll give you the world,”  – 1965 
  16. HBO “It’s not TV, it’s HBO” 1997-2009
  17. Nickelodeon TV Channel “Nick is for kids” – 2004
  18.  Toshiba “Hello Tosh, gotta Toshiba?” – 1984
  19. Energizer Batteries “Keeps going and going and going” – 1991
  20. Intel “Intel inside” – 1990s
  21. Apple Computer “Think outside the box” – 1990s
  22. Microsoft “Where do you want to go today?” 1994-95
  23. AOL “Welcome to the World Wide Wow” 2002-2003
  24. King Records “If it’s a King, It’s a Hillbilly — If it’s a Hillbilly, it’s a King” – 1930s
  25. Timex “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking” – 1950s
  26. Timex “More and more smart women wear Timex” 1950s
  27. Playtex “Lifts and separates” – 1930s, 1940s
  28. Maybelline “Maybe she’s born with it – maybe it’s Maybelline” – 1991
  29. Mastercard “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard” 1997
  30.  VISA credit card “VISA – It’s everywhere you want to be” 1985
  31. Merrill-Lynch “Merrill-Lynch is Bullish on America” 1970-71
  32. Midland Bank “The Listening Bank” 1990s

…   …   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

78 jokes about bureaucracy

  1. A candidate goes in for a job interview and sits down with the Human Resources talent acquisition and psychometric testing director, who asks: ‘What do you think is your worst quality?’ The applicant says: ‘I’m probably too honest’. The HR director says: ‘That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality’. The candidate replies, candidly: ‘I don’t care about what you think’.
  2. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
  3. Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is surplus to requirements.
  4. I asked the corporate wellness officer: ‘Can you teach me yoga?’ She said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can do Tuesdays’.
  5. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  6. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at people who stress you.
  7. If every day is a gift, I’d like a refund for Monday.
  8. Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
  9. Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
  10. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  11. If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
  12. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  14. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  15. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  16. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  18. To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  19. A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
  20. I don’t work well under pressure … or any other circumstance.
  21. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay slips.
  23. A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
  24. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  25. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  26. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  27. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  29. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  30. I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
  31. When in doubt, mumble.
  32. You’re never too old to learn something really stupid.
  33. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire and Rescue Department usually uses water.
  34. When it comes to work, change is inevitable. Except from the vending machine.
  35. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  36. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  37. Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
  38. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  39. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  40. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 3:00 pm Tuesday.
  41. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  42. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  43. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  44. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  45. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  46. Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
  47. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
  48. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  49. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  50. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  51. Drink coffee: do stupid things faster with more energy.
  52. I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the eight-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
  53. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  54. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  55. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  56. My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
  57. A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.
  58. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  59. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
  60. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  61. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  62. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  63. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  64. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
  65. I like my job only marginally more than I like being broke.
  66. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  67. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  68. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  69. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  70. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
  71. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
  72. I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around.
  73. Early to bed, early to rise … makes people suspicious.
  74. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  75. All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
  76. It’s not who you know, it’s whom.
  77. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  78. I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed, but none of them work. Including this one.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.