1. A candidate goes in for a job interview and sits down with the Human Resources talent acquisition and psychometric testing director, who asks: ‘What do you think is your worst quality?’ The applicant says: ‘I’m probably too honest’. The HR director says: ‘That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality’. The candidate replies, candidly: ‘I don’t care about what you think’.
  2. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
  3. Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is surplus to requirements.
  4. I asked the corporate wellness officer: ‘Can you teach me yoga?’ She said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can do Tuesdays’.
  5. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  6. The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at people who stress you.
  7. If every day is a gift, I’d like a refund for Monday.
  8. Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
  9. Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
  10. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  11. If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
  12. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  14. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  15. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  16. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  18. To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
  19. A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
  20. I don’t work well under pressure … or any other circumstance.
  21. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay slips.
  23. A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
  24. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  25. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  26. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  27. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  29. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  30. I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
  31. When in doubt, mumble.
  32. You’re never too old to learn something really stupid.
  33. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire and Rescue Department usually uses water.
  34. When it comes to work, change is inevitable. Except from the vending machine.
  35. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  36. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  37. Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
  38. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  39. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  40. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 3:00 pm Tuesday.
  41. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  42. Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
  43. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  44. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  45. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  46. Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
  47. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
  48. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  49. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  50. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  51. Drink coffee: do stupid things faster with more energy.
  52. I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the eight-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
  53. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  54. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  55. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  56. My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
  57. A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.
  58. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  59. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
  60. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  61. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  62. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  63. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  64. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
  65. I like my job only marginally more than I like being broke.
  66. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  67. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
  68. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  69. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  70. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
  71. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
  72. I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around.
  73. Early to bed, early to rise … makes people suspicious.
  74. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  75. All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
  76. It’s not who you know, it’s whom.
  77. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  78. I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed, but none of them work. Including this one.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.