by Rodney Marks | Dec 13, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here we go from a to b in the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
audit
A waste of time only the paranoid prepare for – and they’re right.
auditorium
A place to audit.
auditor
- A heartless ticker whose role it is to add green or purple to black and red.
- A hard of hearing earwig who wants a hearing.
- An impurist who mistakes finance for mathematics.
authoritarian
Directive management style, in which the leader leads.
authority
- Those in a state of needless leaderlessness, as there is no-one higher to refer to.
- A fictitious quality of managers, by which power over others can be enforced.
autocrat
A manager who gets things done, even if the organisation is destroyed in the process.
automation
The recognition that because subordinates are automatons, we may as well have robots doing the work.
autonomy
The authority, in the afterlife, to work independently.
average
- Means mean.
- A safe place for managers to be.
- Dividing the sum of the whole by the number of its parts will yield the average, but will not show how the sum of the whole can be greater than the whole when reconstituted. Translated into management terms, a group made up of people with average ability will only ever be average.
back-of-the-envelope calculation
A handwritten recommendation, short on research, rationale, comparisons of alternatives, consultation, planning, number-crunching, data-mining and theory, which often represents a better option.
backgrounding
History of the idea of the theoretical premise of the day.
bad debt
Debt that hasn’t been paid yet.
bads
Unwanted goods, like and including government services, because they have no (voluntary) customers.
ballpark
Close enough to be acceptable to you.
balls
Needed to be grasped by female managers to control pricks.
bandit
(See banker)
banker
(See bandit)
bankrupt
The inability to pay for past losses with future cash.
bank
Den of inequity in which you lose interest through buying money.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 12, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Just for fun, enlightenment, motivation and inspiration, here is more in the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
application
Pathetic attempt to fit your background into the selection criteria by writing a self-referential reference.
(See résumé.)
appointment
Pointed reference to a placement in which you no longer control your diary.
appraise
To report on what you feel before the facts are reality tested.
apprentice
A PA with ambition.
aptitude test
Battery of circuitous quizzes designed to assess your endurance, your positives and negatives, and the calibre of your weaponry.
argh
Onomatopoeic sound that computer gurus make when they discover that they aren’t. It means argh.
argument
Argued against.
Arial
This is a clear font unencumbered by curly bits and is the style choice for emails. When being clear it is crucial to say that you are being clear, even if you have several hidden agendas. By merely saying that something is in Arial your audience will suspend disbelief, even if it is in Times New Roman.
aristocrats
People who know they are the best, contrasted with managers, who know they aren’t.
arts, the
When presenting as cultured and part of the culture, the arts are worth sponsoring for networking over nibbles.
assembly line
A sequenced method of manufacturing robots from humans.
assessment centre
An administration established to milk the belief that psychologists understand behaviour.
assets
- Necessary counterweight for balanced accounts, and accountants.
- Temporarily valued budget items available to support the career advancement of senior and chief executives.
- Optimism quantified.
- Liabilities waiting to happen.
assumption
Well, you have to start somewhere.
attendance
What you’re paid for.
attitude
Mythical entity used by managers to manipulate high performers. Can be singular or plural, but out of many comes one, which in other contexts is quite a good motto.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 11, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
And now for something completely different … the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
aim
Off-target archery metaphor, whose misguided objectives are to add more strings to the bow of direction, and to insert more arrows in the quiver of purpose.
alcohol
Liquid in which to dissolve business ethics.
alcoholism
Shot of holism imbibed by managers.
alienation
What successful managers feel.
alignment
An agreeable truce, based on battle exhaustion.
all things being equal (ceteris paribus)
Taking variables away.
all your ducks are in a row
As in “all your stars are aligned”, this business cliché refers to a series of chance events which serendipitously support your argument, strategy or business.
alliance
Working together under your direction.
allocation
Notionally an economic term about choosing where to distribute resources over time. It is the real exercise of power, being the manifestation of favoritism, cronyism, nepotism and incompetence.
alternative
(See below)
altruism
Helping others for your own satisfaction.
ambition
Point of difference in career advancement when your achievements are not enough.
analogy
Something you catch from cross-pollinated ideas.
analysis
Being anal about the banal.
analysis paralysis
Assessing a project initially qualitatively and ultimately quantitatively against a plethora of hierarchies and an aggregation of continua followed by a collection of assessment criteria before feeding the raw data back into the system and up the line with a request for further funding.
analytical
A qualifier used to mask gut-feel.
antique
The antics of a superannuated leader.
antitrust legislation
Proof of government distrust of business.
Thought: If government represents business, but business does not represent government, on what basis is antitrust legislation good and tax evasion bad?
anxiety
Worry brought on by managers contemplating the legitimacy of their profession.
anziety
- The stress felt by a manager after sending an email to the team leader, prior to spell-checking.
- Anxiety Down Under.
appeal
- A cry in the wilderness.
- A clarion call.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 11, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here continues the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
action
A delegated task.
activism
The belief that campaigning to bring about political or social change will bring about political or social change.
actors
Managers: those who strut and fret their hour upon the stage, then are heard no more.
actuary
Someone who tells your insurer when you should die.
added value
Something substituted for deducted value.
adhocracy
Any organisational unit other than your own.
administrivia
A management task imposed on you.
advertisement
- An untruth tolerated as entertainment.
- A glowing endorsement organised and paid for by the endorsee.
advertising
Creating demand for something by highlighting its worst feature.
advertising standards
The ethical benchmarking of paid public persuasion.
advisory panel
A pane in the glass.
affairs
Intra-corporate entrepreneurship.
affiliate
noun: A person or organisation with a hierarchical ranking somewhere between an associate and a partner.
verb: To align your values with another’s by disregarding any that are not shared.
affirmative action
Discrimination against the successful.
affluence
Your personal assistant has a PA.
after-sales service
Mythical organisational process, sometimes located in an imaginary, eponymous department with a toll free number.
ageism
The belief that all ages are the same – even in their differences.
agenda
Secret list of outcomes unknown to all meeting participants.
agent
A commissioned friend.
aggression
Part of the managerial power game, compensating for a lack of technical expertise.
AGM (Annual General Meeting)
Yearly public book-ending of apology and astrology, where top management attest they have read what they signed.
agreement
Reluctant, begrudging, antipathetic acceptance.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 10, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here begins the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
ability
The capacity and competency to prove potential capability.
abnormal
Not like me.
about-face
A 180 degree policy reversal. Often revolutionary; that is, 360 degrees.
above-the-line
Paid promotion that you agree is a gamble, such as TV, radio and print advertising.
absenteeism
See presenteeism.
academic
The most insulting word in any language.
accident
Lack of belief in predetermination or the divine providence of coincidence.
account executive
Semi-permeable listening device.
accountability
An out-of-fashion concept that refers to people being held responsible for their own actions. Pre-dates, and made redundant by, the concept of blaming, which is central to organisational behaviour.
accounting
The rewriting of history, in columns and rows, to justify to shareholders what you did with their money.
accounts payable
Money you’ll eventually pay those supplies whom you’ve selected to keep in business.
accounts receivable
Money that’s owed to you by customers using you as their choice of bank, due to your preferred terms: no loan application fee, no interest, no credit rating downgrade. Best located in the marketing department.
acccuracy
Precisely.
achievement
Abandoning a larger task.
acquisition
See merger.
acronyms and initialisms
Short-cuts to obscurity.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 8, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here are four word groups that sum up the corporate mood of the day.
Whenever you find yourself trapped in an insolvency, operations, sales or marketing meeting, be sure to look out for these weasel words.
If you hear five or more of these from any group, shout Buzzword Bingo! and go home.
Insolvency
acquisition, merger, Chapter 11, circling the drain, contingency, debt recovery, down the tubes, endgame, exit interview, exit strategy, exposure, fire sale, learning opportunity, legacy firm, let go, liquidation, merger, negative growth, negative profit, optimism, outplace, release people, rightsizing, moving forward, transitioning.
Operations
actionable, activity, ballpark, built to last, critical, cycle, data dump, data mining, drilling down, decision, disambiguate, drill down, guesstimate, Just In Time, Just Too Late, metadata, meta-decision, obsolescence, Plan B, post mortem, problematic, queuing, roll out, scope creep, subject creep, value chain.
Sales and Marketing (each other’s natural enemy)
administrivia, bio break, brandalism, cannibalise, channibalise, client-centric, customer, cutting edge, high-impact, high-yield, hot-desking, incentivise, infotainment, edutainment, entertraining, leading edge, long-term, low-risk, mindshare, mind full, preferred, pseudo, street cred, the market, user-centric, value-added, world first, Best Practice, global, cosmic.
Weasel Words (these can occur in any meeting)
behaviours, CEO-speak, cliché, cold-call, demystification, diplospeak, double-talk, eclectic, ellipsia (that is, the tendency to overuse: ‘…’), embedment, flagpole, hybrid, impactful, jargon, journalese, meanderthal, motherhood, atherhood, parenthood, tribal, non-concur, obfuscate, prebuttal, premumble, psychobabble, reverbiagise, trial balloon.
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