by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Weasel words are words and phrases that set out to set you down the wrong path. They divert and hijack meaning, on purpose, with purpose. The etymology of the term is from about 1900, and refers to weasels eating the contents of eggs whilst leaving the shell intact. The weasel is a carnivorous mammal, and the term includes the better-known ferret and mink. There are several excellent ways to suck the protein out of business terms:
- overuse the words
- give the words more gravitas they they deserve
- completely change the meaning of the words
- make the words antonyms of themselves
- make your definitions of the words policy.
For instance:
Mission
- A term used to mask the real motivation of employees: salary and wages.
Strategy
- A way to explain how badly a firm is doing by showing that competitors are performing more poorly still.
Policy
- Originally a government concept, but now widely used in business as a succinct way of saying: “That’s why we do the things we do around here”.
Program
- If policy is the strategy, then a program is a tactic in the implementation of that strategy; if strategy is the ‘why’, a program is the ‘what’.
Competition
- Either a positive or negative characterisation of one’s own firm in the marketplace, depending on whether one is winning or losing.
Corporate Governance
- A phrasal noun much discussed when companies fail; something to do with people who are meant to reign in out-of-control CEOs, except when those executives are doing well and not getting caught.
Business Ethics
- An oxymoron describing all manner of good and bad things as good and bad, but not necessarily in that order.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Absenteeism is simply transparent, even honest, presenteeism. You shouldn’t be reprimanded for being straightforward. Here’s a ready-to-use Excuse Maker … to justify the unbelievable. Next time you sleep in, slack off, or are so hung-over that you can’t invent a reason on the spot, try one of these explanations:
- You took the boss’s instructions to think more, literally, and spent a whole day being pensive. Who knew executives could be metaphoric?
- You were benchmarking how well your department had systematised workflow to cope with an unexpected service delivery supply reduction.
- You didn’t. Denial can be an effective rebuttal. The person making you accountable may then become embarrassed and owe you lots of brownie points.
- You were at the other worksite. This time-honoured method relies on actually having another worksite. Don’t become confused and think you’re still at your old job. Remember, they offshored your role for falsifying leave records.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Double-talk is language comprised of real and invented elements. It appears knowledgeable but is, in fact, meaningless. Much management lingo falls into this category. Here is a list of the true meaning of 11 management buzzwords and buzz phrases.
- actionable (adjective): Any task delegated to someone else.
- adhocracy (noun): Any organisational unit not designed by you.
- administrivia (noun): A management task imposed on you.
- alignment (noun): You agreeing with me.
- alliance (noun): Working together under your direction.
- analysis (noun): Research that supports your viewpoint.
- ballpark (noun or adjective): Close enough to be acceptable to you.
- benchmark (noun): The quality standard that you can get away with.
- best practice (noun phrase): The quality standard you refer to when you’ve been caught out merely benchmarking.
- big picture (noun phrase): A useful distraction is the data doesn’t support your vision.
- BS (noun phrase; initialism): Bloated Syntax; doubletalk; CEO-talk; MBA-speak; spin; and at least one other that I momentarily forget.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
It is absolutely critical, crucial, compulsory, mandated, obligatory and essential to disambiguate wherever and whenever possible. Putting a perimeter around the parameter of an opinion, perception or plan helps to place boundaries around leaky argumentation, minimising confusion whilst augmenting veracity.
Here’s not so much a Dad joke as a pop quiz. In my hypothetical and simultaneously theoretical Double-talk Dictionary, does disambiguation mean:
- clarification
- classification
- cloudiness
- categorisation
- none of the above
- all of the above
- some of the above.
Answer:
8. Disambiguation is conjoint and co-equal systematisation, using converging and diverging parallel lines.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re late for work. You need to improvise a reason. Like many ad-libs, you have a few justifications, alibis and tricks already pre-prepared, because you’re used to doing more with less.
- You attended the early morning funeral of your last boss.
- You applied mouth-to-mouth to a co-worker suffering hyperventilation at the pub after work yesterday The wrong impression was given and had to be explained at length over breakfast.
- You ran into your boss’s boss and spent a lot of time praising your boss. You didn’t want to leave out any details.
- You were awake all night writing a work report and didn’t realise that it was time to go to the office. And besides, it would have been disrespectful to have arrived before the boss.
- You were trying to find a better backronym to retrofit to the acronym ‘BS’. In the end, you had to be satisfied with Bloated Syntax.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re an executive and you want to appear knowledgeable about computing. You only need these 25 throw-away concepts that have been obtusely planned for obsolescence. When you hear one too many of these IT buzzwords, shout ‘Bingo!’ – and go home.
- platform
- bandwidth
- googling
- programming
- click-thru
- hardware
- real-time
- compatible
- inexpensive
- scalable
- defenestration
- infonesia
- seamless
- enterprise
- keystroke
- synchronised
- error-free
- mobility
- text-based
- expert
- nerdistan
- turnkey
- generation
- parallel
- user-friendly.
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