by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
The contemporary leader is a part-Confucius, part-Aesop, part-Buddha. Success is having a repertoire of metaphors for each business function –
1. Marketing: Solutions depend on the targeting the right segment.
2. Sales: Create the headache, sell the aspirin.
3. Logistics, Operations and Production: We need to innovate our roadmap with benchmarks, milestones, nodes, and hubs and spokes.
4. Human Resources: We’re here to grow human capital and to develop human assets so that they may climb the career ladder, the greasy pole, and the stairway to mahogany row.
5. Finance: Remember that time is money, and that liquid of assets aren’t as important as cash flow.
6. IT: We need to develop an agile platform, to springboard to the next level.
7. Legal: Our blueprint is a template for a precedent. But don’t quote me.
8. Strategy: We’re on a journey powered by the business cycle, laying chess with our competitors; our comparative advantage is in our ideas, which are left field, out of the box, and lateral.
9. Leadership: Depending on the situation, work is sport, a game, or a war. It takes a long time to turn this ocean liner, all hands on deck and to the wheel, or both, as we sink or swim with or without the sharks.
10. Governance: Shift that paradigm, change the landscape, steer – don’t row.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking, Writing
I’ve always liked doing things, and checking them off a to-do list. Over the years, I’ve tried different lengths, and have surveyed a few friends, family members, colleagues and passers-by. Here are the evidence-based results, statistically significant to three decimal places, where n=20 or so.
1. One is a good number to keep a handle on. Most of us can do one thing every day. The trouble is, that if you fail to do it, you would feel like a real loser, someone who, when they give themselves just one thing, can’t even to that. Not a good number for folk with already poor self-esteem. Better to have 100 errands to run and complete half of them.
2. Binary works well, especially for IT types.
3. Three is good for those literate in rhetoric.
4. Four it okay, for keeping activities front-of-mind.
5. Five is a handful, which is a useful mnemonic.
6. Half a dozen works for pre-decimal nostalgics.
7. Seven is a magnificent number.
8. Eight is a lucky number.
9. Nine is for under-achievers who need to feel like they’ve achieved something, or for over‑achievers who believe that their nine is equal to other people’s ten.
10. Ten is conventional, boring, and makes people feel manipulated by an imaginary manual.
11. If you have eleven items on your daily to-do list, you’re well on your way to Chapter Eleven, to believing that 11 is 10+GST, or to being more alpha than competitors with ten to-do list items.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Marketing, Speaker, Speaking
Have you ever wondered what comedians do to drum up performances? Here my favourite 20 sales and marketing activities:
1. Doing nothing.
2. Fiddling with my LinkedIn profile.
3. Fiddling with my website.
4. Writing jokes for possible future performances.
5. Ditto for actual upcoming gigs.
6. Thinking.
7. Thinking about thinking.
8. Thinking about writing humorous anecdotes.
9. Over-thinking.
10. Thinking that I’m over-thinking.
11. Thinking that I’m over thinking.
12. Messaging a LinkedIn contact who I’ve worked for.
13. Messaging someone I haven’t worked for.
14. Considering investing in Google AdWords.
15. Deciding not to invest in Google AdWords.
16. Reconsidering investing in Google AdWords.
17. Deciding definitely not to invest in Google AdWords.
18. Considering investing in LinkedIn Ads.
19. Deciding definitely not to invest in LinkedIn Ads.
20. Writing a post, such as this one.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Writing
Okay, this is not necessarily a how-to for anyone else to write jokes, because, perhaps, I’m a little idiosyncratic, but nonetheless, by extrapolation, there may be something useful here. For someone. Maybe not you, but not only me. Someone in between.
Playing with generally accepted sayings is my shtick. For instance, by way of example, given that we need to start somewhere, let’s take “Flattery will get you everywhere”. The opposite is also popular, according to Dr Google. And various online and offline dictionaries and thesauri. That is, “Flattery will get you nowhere”.
A near-conventional take on the former is “Philately will get you everywhere”. Now, that’s a pretty good line, but it’s been done.
Let’s go one step further:
“Philately will get you everywhere, but numismatics will get you home”.
There’s a beat or two missing with the tag, so how about:
“Philately will get you everywhere, but numismatics will get you back again”.
Now we’re in the tricky situation of wondering whether our audience is going to know what ‘philately’ and ‘numismatics’ are, and whether they’ve heard the wholesale reference (“Flattery will get you everywhere”) and its retail riff (Philately will get you everywhere”).
And collectors, including stamp and coin collectors, are OCD (for those with OCD, that is obsessive compulsive disorder). It’s compulsory. Here’s a too-frequent-heckler killer line I’m playing with:
Me I see you have impulsive-compulsive disorder.
Heckler You mean obsessive compulsive disorder.
Me Oh, you too?
Score – comedian: one; heckler: nil.
So far I’ve tried this about 50 times, and no onstage or offstage heckler has responded they way they’re meant to, in my imagination.
I even asked a psychiatrist friend (what? a comedian can’t have a psychiatrist friend? you assume that I’m masking a professional relationship?) and he was simply silent with my entrapment line, “I see you have impulsive-compulsive disorder”. When I asked why he didn’t correct me, he said that he didn’t want to be patronising.
So, comedians (and comedy writers) love to create set-ups with multiple tags. That way, the original gag becomes a catchphrase for the joke-teller, and can be rejuvenated and tailored in an ad hoc way, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Here’s the set-up with a dozen alternative tags.
Philately will get you everywhere, but numismatics will:
- get you home
- get you back again
- establish your reputation for pretentiousness
- establish your reputation for pretentiousness, self-importance and affectation
- establish your reputation for pretentiousness, self-importance, affectation – and for using words and concepts that will alienate you from any audience
- weigh you down
- allow people to hear you coming
- allow people to hear you coming, and take appropriate action, such as leaving
- last longer than Bitcoin
- save you from overdosing on glue
- get you insulted
- buy complementary medicine.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 21, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Marketing, Speaker, Speaking
Buzzword bingo for HR: Here are 25 keywords to make you sound like you know what you’re talking about. Pepper your conversation with them, sound authoritative, appear authentic and your upward mobility is assured.
- caring
- silver ceiling
- glass ceiling
- rotation
- challenges
- incentivise
- satifaction
- climate
- culture
- indicators
- learning
- commitment
- strengths
- weaknesses
- opportunities
- threats
- competence
- enlargement
- enrichment
- reskilling
- upskilling
- motivation
- performance
- personality
- transformation
by Rodney Marks | Nov 6, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Select a word from each of the three sections. This innovative process will create a three-word description of a project or a management theory. You’ll have thousands of options to choose from, or from which to choose. I’m not sure that pedantic is quite the right word. Colleagues, superiors and subordinates will admire your originality, hold your linguistic dexterity in their highest esteem, and look up to your adroit leadership style.
- collaborative, consultative, cooperative, empowered, management, motivated, organisational, stakeholder, shareholder, team
- business, controlling, governance, government, international, mission, productivity, profitability, values, vision
- allocation, committee, implementation, meeting, metaphor, outcome, project, result, statement, system.
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