by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Absenteeism is simply transparent, even honest, presenteeism. You shouldn’t be reprimanded for being straightforward. Here’s a ready-to-use Excuse Maker … to justify the unbelievable. Next time you sleep in, slack off, or are so hung-over that you can’t invent a reason on the spot, try one of these explanations:
- You took the boss’s instructions to think more, literally, and spent a whole day being pensive. Who knew executives could be metaphoric?
- You were benchmarking how well your department had systematised workflow to cope with an unexpected service delivery supply reduction.
- You didn’t. Denial can be an effective rebuttal. The person making you accountable may then become embarrassed and owe you lots of brownie points.
- You were at the other worksite. This time-honoured method relies on actually having another worksite. Don’t become confused and think you’re still at your old job. Remember, they offshored your role for falsifying leave records.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Double-talk is language comprised of real and invented elements. It appears knowledgeable but is, in fact, meaningless. Much management lingo falls into this category. Here is a list of the true meaning of 11 management buzzwords and buzz phrases.
- actionable (adjective): Any task delegated to someone else.
- adhocracy (noun): Any organisational unit not designed by you.
- administrivia (noun): A management task imposed on you.
- alignment (noun): You agreeing with me.
- alliance (noun): Working together under your direction.
- analysis (noun): Research that supports your viewpoint.
- ballpark (noun or adjective): Close enough to be acceptable to you.
- benchmark (noun): The quality standard that you can get away with.
- best practice (noun phrase): The quality standard you refer to when you’ve been caught out merely benchmarking.
- big picture (noun phrase): A useful distraction is the data doesn’t support your vision.
- BS (noun phrase; initialism): Bloated Syntax; doubletalk; CEO-talk; MBA-speak; spin; and at least one other that I momentarily forget.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
It is absolutely critical, crucial, compulsory, mandated, obligatory and essential to disambiguate wherever and whenever possible. Putting a perimeter around the parameter of an opinion, perception or plan helps to place boundaries around leaky argumentation, minimising confusion whilst augmenting veracity.
Here’s not so much a Dad joke as a pop quiz. In my hypothetical and simultaneously theoretical Double-talk Dictionary, does disambiguation mean:
- clarification
- classification
- cloudiness
- categorisation
- none of the above
- all of the above
- some of the above.
Answer:
8. Disambiguation is conjoint and co-equal systematisation, using converging and diverging parallel lines.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re late for work. You need to improvise a reason. Like many ad-libs, you have a few justifications, alibis and tricks already pre-prepared, because you’re used to doing more with less.
- You attended the early morning funeral of your last boss.
- You applied mouth-to-mouth to a co-worker suffering hyperventilation at the pub after work yesterday The wrong impression was given and had to be explained at length over breakfast.
- You ran into your boss’s boss and spent a lot of time praising your boss. You didn’t want to leave out any details.
- You were awake all night writing a work report and didn’t realise that it was time to go to the office. And besides, it would have been disrespectful to have arrived before the boss.
- You were trying to find a better backronym to retrofit to the acronym ‘BS’. In the end, you had to be satisfied with Bloated Syntax.
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by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re an executive and you want to appear knowledgeable about computing. You only need these 25 throw-away concepts that have been obtusely planned for obsolescence. When you hear one too many of these IT buzzwords, shout ‘Bingo!’ – and go home.
- platform
- bandwidth
- googling
- programming
- click-thru
- hardware
- real-time
- compatible
- inexpensive
- scalable
- defenestration
- infonesia
- seamless
- enterprise
- keystroke
- synchronised
- error-free
- mobility
- text-based
- expert
- nerdistan
- turnkey
- generation
- parallel
- user-friendly.
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