by Rodney Marks | Dec 5, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here is a Q&A of definitive definitions of the key management terms: stakeholder, productivity and MBA.
The answers are arbitrary.
Even the options are only objective in the sense that objectivity is tantamount to the verisimilitude of the facsimile of the approximation of shared subjectivity.
stakeholder
- a Dracula-like figure ready to drive a pole into the very lifeblood of an organisation, for its own good and for the good of the industry
- any blood-sucking management parasite with an axe to grind
- a business leader who, having stabbed you in the back, slaps you on the back
- a horticulturalist
- a dyslexic shot-order apprentice chef
- an imperative directed to whomever has the air-conditioning remote control.
Answer: 5. in the broadest sense, anyone at all, especially someone who supports your point of view.
productivity
- an ongoing, expensive intergovernmental commission, charged with making business less costly
- doing more or the same with less, more or less
- the quotient of output over input
- obtaining the same output from reduced input
- obtaining more output from the same input.
Answer: 5. none of the above, but something nebulous that can be increased to turn an organisation around.
MBA stands for:
- Married But Available
- Married By Accident
- Master of Business Administration. Nothing to do with values, vision, mission, strategy, leadership, governance, disruption, profitability or cash flow, this definition is simply of an expert at administering a business in its current state. This is an uninspiring title for a supposedly transformative degree. That’s why it’s usually known simply as an MBA, in the pathetic hope that the initialism, as a brand, will overcome the lame expanded wording.
- Master Bad Ass
- Making Busy Arrangements
- Main Battle Area
- More Bucks Annually
- Manager By Accident
- Management By Analysis
- Mediocre But Arrogant
- More Bad Advice
- Master Bull*&^% Artist
- Moron By Acclamation
- Mighty Big Attitude
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Rodney Marks is an Australian corporate comedian. He’s based in Sydney and travels widely. For more info, see his LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au.
by Rodney Marks | Dec 4, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
How many of these 25 acronyms (as in NATO) and initialisms (as in IBM) do you know?
The answers are below.
If you know 21 to 25, then you’re management consulting material; 11-20 correct means you’re an MBA or MBA student; 0 to 10 means you’re CEO potential.
1:1
24/7
80:20
B2A
B2B
B2B2C
B2C
B2E
B2G
CEO
CIO
COO
CRM
CYA
FAQ
GIGO
KPI
MBO
MBWA
PICNIC
ROA
ROI
TQM
USP
WOMBAT
Answers:
1:1 one to one relationship; one to one marketing
24/7 24 hours a day, seven days a weeks
80:20 80% of value is from 20% of customers (Pareto optimality)
B2A business to anyone
B2B business to business
B2B2C business to business to customer
B2C business to customer
B2E business to everyone
B2G business to government
CEO chief executive officer
CIO chief information officer
COO chief operating officer
CRM customer relationship management
CYA cover your …
FAQ frequently asked questions
GIGO garbage in, garbage out
KPI key performance indicator
MBO management by objectives
MBWA management by walking about
PICNIC problem in chair, not in computer
ROA return on assets
ROI return on investment
TQM total quality management
USP unique selling proposition
WOMBAT Waste of money, brains and time.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 3, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Excuses for having a messy desk
- A clean desk means that your drawers and filing cabinets are full of junk.
- Looking at one piece of paper at a time is inefficient, and indicative of an inability to multi-task.
- If your desk is clean, co-workers may think that you’re about to change jobs. Anyway, I alone know where everything is. That’s called job security.
- A messy desk in and of itself is a useful excuse for many other parts of your role: files, invoices, telephone message, meeting minutes and your diary can all be lost as required, and simultaneously be within easy reach should a real need arise.
Excuses for changing jobs so often
- You have tried to broaden your experience base to bring to each new role a broad understanding of how the industry as a whole works.
- Your former boss accused you of sexual harassment, and wasn’t convinced by your feeble attempt to laugh it off: “For me, ‘harass’ is two words”.
- Your diligence showed up colleagues as lazy, and they white-anted you.
- You embrace change, and whilst terribly loyal, always look for opportunities to grow, both as a person and as a professional.
Excuses for not winning that sales pitch
- You weren’t prepared to spend the company’s money on a loss leader, and the opposition undercut you on price.
- They didn’t understand your ideas and they are so far ahead of their time.
- You thought that the submission deadline was just a rough indication.
- You chose the spaghetti bolognese at the pitch selection lunch, and it splattered all over the tender documentation.
Excuses for failing at any work task
- Colleagues let you down.
- The organisation didn’t resource you.
- The photocopy firm, or the courier, or the consultant, or the computer genius didn’t do what they promised they would.
- Whilst you are capable of carrying out most assignments, this was the one area in which you felt out of your depth.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 3, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
In previous posts and blogs we’ve worked our way alphabetically through the management lexicon (see Double-talk Thesaurus and Double-talk Dictionary, November 2016). Now we complete this sequence of short definitions the real meanings of business terms.
An alpha leader is the dominant one, the Type A (as in the capital of Taiwan), the top dog, the psychopath, the sociopath, the narcissist, the one with the least empathy … the one who actually gets things done … whatever the cost. They’ll never be your friend, so avoid disappoint by lowering your expectations. Be happy by being mildly pessimistic.
governance n. A useful way to blame the Board of Directors for management mistakes.
long-term adj. The next reporting period.
management n. What managers do until they become leaders.
marketing n. Matching impossible market desires with unlikely organisational capability.
matrix n. A way of making words look like numbers; particularly useful if you are trying to hide data.
mentoring v. To gossip nostalgically.
merger n. Synonym for acquisition.
policy n. The answer to why we do what we do around here, when there’s no reason for it.
presenteeism n. The syndrome of having people take a day off without drawing on sick pay.
proactive v. To think about the future before it happens.
qualitative adj. Incomprehensible, word-heavy analysis.
quantitative adj. Incomprehensible, number-heavy analysis.
research n. Shared subjectivity masquerading as objectivity.
schadenfreude n. The joy of watching your competitors fail, even if it doesn’t help you.
strategy n What we’re doing next week
tactics n What we’re doing tomorrow.
transitioning v . A person or service or product on the way out.
transparency n. The style of accountability to adopt when you’ve spent the whole PR budget.
user-friendly v. phrase You can figure it out for yourself, without technical support.
values n. Something to fall back on when the cashflow doesn’t.
win-win adj. One of the four planks of our platform: the others are win-lose, lose-win, and lose-lose.
world class adj. phrase We’ve been on the internet, and have copied the very best.
world first adj. phrase As far as we can tell, if you buy this, you’ll be going where no-one has gone before.
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by Rodney Marks | Dec 2, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
The classic definition for MBA is Married But Available. This refers to executives who are married to one organisation and whose degree makes them marketable to others. Marriage itself is a market, with competitive and comparative advantages. Hence work:life balance could be described in economic terms. It’s sometimes unwise to be clever.
Excuses for getting married
- You are in love, and don’t know if it will ever happen again.
- You are loved, and don’t know if that will ever happen again.
- You want to receive empathy from your subordinates, so that you can get them to work harder.
- You need to regulate your hitherto erratic social life, in order to be a more productive corporate team member.
Excuses for getting divorced
- Your married life was interfering with the business cycle, especially year-end reporting.
- You had some extra cash, and didn’t know what to do with it.
- You did the maths, and discovered that two really can’t live as cheaply as one.
- You wanted to have an affair, and your spouse wouldn’t let you.
Excuses for doing an MBA
- You wanted to understand the latest management thinking.
- You wanted to meet like-minded aspirants, and develop a network of soul mates, fellow travellers and high achievers who could help you reach your goals.
- Your career has stalled.
- You really wanted to do a DBA, but didn’t have the grades.
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