Dracula was a stakeholder

by | Dec 5, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking

Here is a Q&A of definitive definitions of the key management terms: stakeholder, productivity and MBA.

The answers are arbitrary.

Even the options are only objective in the sense that objectivity is tantamount to the verisimilitude of the facsimile of the approximation of shared subjectivity.

stakeholder

  1. a Dracula-like figure ready to drive a pole into the very lifeblood of an organisation, for its own good and for the good of the industry
  2. any blood-sucking management parasite with an axe to grind
  3. a business leader who, having stabbed you in the back, slaps you on the back
  4. a horticulturalist
  5. a dyslexic shot-order apprentice chef
  6. an imperative directed to whomever has the air-conditioning remote control.

Answer: 5. in the broadest sense, anyone at all, especially someone who supports your point of view.

productivity

  1. an ongoing, expensive intergovernmental commission, charged with making business less costly
  2. doing more or the same with less, more or less
  3. the quotient of output over input
  4. obtaining the same output from reduced input
  5. obtaining more output from the same input.

Answer: 5. none of the above, but something nebulous that can be increased to turn an organisation around.

MBA stands for:

  1. Married But Available
  2. Married By Accident
  3. Master of Business Administration. Nothing to do with values, vision, mission, strategy, leadership, governance, disruption, profitability or cash flow, this definition is simply of an expert at administering a business in its current state. This is an uninspiring title for a supposedly transformative degree. That’s why it’s usually known simply as an MBA, in the pathetic hope that the initialism, as a brand, will overcome the lame expanded wording.
  4. Master Bad Ass
  5. Making Busy Arrangements
  6. Main Battle Area
  7. More Bucks Annually
  8. Manager By Accident
  9. Management By Analysis
  10. Mediocre But Arrogant
  11. More Bad Advice
  12. Master Bull*&^% Artist
  13. Moron By Acclamation
  14. Mighty Big Attitude

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Rodney Marks is an Australian corporate comedian. He’s based in Sydney and travels widely. For more info, see his LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au.