by Rodney Marks | Jan 22, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Board members and senior executives sometimes need their writing to be read. At other times, boring writing is their ally.
If you want to be read, use comedy.
… … … … …
Chairman’s – mock/faux – Report to Stakeholders
The winds of change blew through the Outplacement Industry during this financial year. The climatic switch began when the Profession fell under a cloud from a groundswell of unfavourable media reports. Demand began to ebb. The Outplacement Organisations’ Professional Society (OOPS), a shining beacon for the Industry since the halcyon days of the 1980s, was in the spotlight of media attention over a widely publicised but unrelated taxation matter. Outplacement per se was at sea, so Icon Pty Ltd took the helm.
From July to September we were in the eye of the storm. As our competitors surfed a tidal wave of departures, we found ourselves flooded with work.
October, November and December found us snowed under putting out bushfires after the OOPS scandal had erupted. We went from a landside victory on the market share front in the first quarter to an avalanche of client migration in the second quarter.
January to March, traditionally a quiet period, was business as usual.
April to June saw us deliver a whirlwind marketing campaign which blitzed our main opposition. We struck like lightening into the maelstrom that the marketplace had become.
We took the opportunity of the downturn that a low tide provides, to find somefresh crew members, which fortunately coincided with some of our old dogs finding greener pastures elsewhere. Whilst unnamed industry sources claimed that this was changing deckchairs on the Titanic, we firmly believe that the ship of state has cast a clear course for land.
Guy Dance (sic) – Chairman
… … … … …
The CFO’s – mock/faux – Finance Report
ICON Pty Limited had a very solid first year of investment in its future profitability. Outlays exceeded expenditure by a healthy 1.5:1 ratio. We now have a respectable debt, which has enabled further bank borrowings to be approved.
ICON is safe from hostile takeover threats, although we are actively looking to sell down equity to a silent partner. Any potential silent partner wanting more information is encouraged to contact the undersigned.
Our income for the financial year 2016-17 was derived from client fees. Some of this income is yet to be actually received, but in keeping with Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, we have used an accrual approach. All monies earned, whether or not they have been received, have been declared as income.
Provision for bad debts has been put at zero. Given that our clients are major corporates or government departments, the risk professionals in ICON’s finance directorate at 100 percent confident that all will pay up, eventually. However, we want our shareholders to know that we have not overlooked the possibility of bad debts, and so have placed the line entry in the Income and Expenditure Statement, with a nil value alongside it.
Warren Teehey (sic) – Financial Controller
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 22, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Entertainment, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Comedians deliver their messages concisely; so too do business communicators. We can all learn from the way that screenwriters name their films, and the way that film marketers create slogans that persuade us to watch them.
Check out these titles. Do they tell the story, or ask a question that makes us want to discover the answer? Does the slogan save a poor title from oblivion by creating interest?
Think of the products and service that you’ve involved with. Are you selling them as effectively as these film professionals? Many of the slogans are funny, even when the films are not meant to be.
Comedy cuts through. This long list has scores of jokes hidden as slogans.
… … … … … … … … …
Action-Adventure/Thriller
Cops
Marked for Death
He was a good cop in a bad mood.
Ricochet
He’s a cop accused of murder. And the only one who knows he’s innocent is the killer who wants him dead.
Past Tense
Ex-cop Gene Walston has just witnessed a murder. But there’s no evidence, no witness, and no body.
Saigon
In a city of corruption, most cops don’t know where to start. These guys don’t know when to stop.
Someone to Watch Over Me
A married cop. A beautiful witness. Protecting her became a dangerous affair.
Cop
He threw away the rule book. Then wrote his own.
Fair Game
He’s a cop on the edge. She’s a woman with a dangerous secret. They’ve been targeted by the Russian Mob. And now they’re both fair game.
An Innocent Man
Two cops on the take just made the biggest mistake of their lives. They framed an innocent man.
Sugar Hill
He wanted power. He wanted revenge. Now he just wants out.
Passenger 57
He’s en ex-cop with a bad mouth, a bad attitude and a bad seat. And for terrorists on Flight 163 he’s very bad news.
Heaven’s Prisoners
For an ex-cop obsessed with an unsolved murder, trusting the wrong woman can be a deadly choice.
The Custodian
In a corrupt police force, the one bad apple is an honest cop.
Black Rain
A cop on the edge. A conspiracy on the rise. A killer on the loose.
Blue Steel
For a rookie cop, there’s one thing more dangerous than uncovering a killer’s fantasy. Becoming it.
Murphy’s Law
He was a cop. She was a thief. Together they were running for their lives.
Mulhulland Falls
As law enforcers they believed they were untouchable. Now they’re being accountable.
Unlawful Entry A man obsessed will do anything for love. A cop obsessed can get away with it.
Deadly Target
A dangerous drug lord. A renegade cop…The ultimate showdown.
The Untouchables
Al Capone ruled Chicago with absolute power. No one could stop him. Until Elliot Ness and a small force of men swore they’d bring him down.
Wanted Dead or Alive
The government wants them dead or alive. Nick Randall is a CIA bounty hunter. He just wants them dead.
Viper
Somewhere between the CIA and the KGB there’s Viper.
Vigilantes
Rambo, Part II
No man, no war, no law can stop him.
One Tough Bastard
Revenge is everything.
Nowhere to Run
When the law can’t protect the innocent, the only hero left is an outlaw.
The Young Americans
The American drug wars have come to London and one cop has a mission to stop them.
Vigilante Cop
Street justice is the only justice.
One Man’s Justice
One man’s family threatened. One man’s partner murdered. Now it’s time for one man’s justice.
Assassins
In the shadows of life, in the business of death. One man found a reason to live.
Striking Distance
They shouldn’t have put him in the water if they didn’t want him to make waves.
The Grasscutter
When there’s no going back and no place to hide, the hunted turns hunter.
On Deadly Ground
His battle to save the Alaskan wilderness and protect its people can only be won on deadly ground.
Scarface
He loved the American dream…with a vengeance.
Patriot Games
Not for honour. Not for country. For his wife and child.
Gun for Hire
It’s only a matter of time…before all hell breaks loose.
Carolina Skeletons
His relentless search for justice made him the enemy.
Clear and Present Danger
Truth needs a soldier.
Royce
The cold war won’t be over until Shane Royce adds a little heat.
Desperado
When the smoke clears, that means he’s just re-loading.
The Punisher
If society won’t punish the guilty, he will.
Savage Streets
They raped her sister and killed her best friend…
Broken Trust
They promised to expose the guilty. But they used his honour, his friendships, and betrayed his trust.
Historical Heroes
Rob Roy
Honour made him a man. Courage made him a hero. History made him a legend.
Braveheart
What kind of man would defy a king?
Sci-fi
Robo Warriors
Retreat is not an option.
Moral Kombat
Nothing in this world has prepared you for this.
Time Cop
Turn back the clock and you’re history.
Species
Men cannot resist her. Mankind may not survive her.
The Fly
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Sleepwalkers
They live for pleasure. They live for the kill. And they live forever.
Outland
On Jupiter’s moon, he’s the only law.
The Arrival
Stop watching the stars and start watching your back.
Project Shadowchaser
Man created the perfect killing machine. Now man is the enemy.
Search and Destroy
It’s the world’s deadliest weapon. No army can stop it.
Strange Days
An extreme taste of reality.
Omen IV – The Awakening
They said it was over. They were wrong.
Wolf
The moon is full. The man is changing. The animal is out.
The Quest
Go the distance.
River of Death
The ultimate action-adventure where only the toughest survive.
Red Scorpion
Think you can control it? Think again.
Murders
Masquerade
An heiress. A hustler. A set-up. A murder. It’s not a game anymore.
Under Suspicion
How close can you get to a killer before you’re too close?
True Crime
No Suspects. No Witnesses. No Clues.
Devlin
First the set-up, then the frame-up, next the cover-up.
Third Degree Burn
A passion in the first degree. Murder in the second. The price for getting too close.
Just Cause
Buried deep in the Florida Everglades is a secret that can save an innocent man or let a killer kill again.
Twin Sisters
A trusted wife. A high-price call girl. Mirror images twisted together by sex, murder and betrayal.
The Underneath
For passion, betrayal and murder, there’s still no place like home.
Pentathalon
The most challenging sport has just become the deadliest game.
The Professional
Revenge can be a deadly game. Even for a trained killer.
Lisa
She is young. She is beautiful. She is next.
All-American Murder
Between suspicion and seduction, trust and deception, moves the shadow of murder.
A Dangerous Place
High school can be a dangerous place…and a deadly experience.
Citizen X
It’s hard to find a killer when the government refuses to acknowledge there is one.
Diabolique
It would’ve been the perfect murder, if only the victim was dead.
Clockers
When there’s murder on these streets, everyone’s a suspect.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
Behind a beautiful face, beneath a dangerous smile, lies a revenge that can’t be stopped.
White Line
There’s one murder that may concern him more than his father’s. His own.
Copycat
One man is copying the most notorious killers in history…one at a time. Together two women must stop him from killing again. Or they’re next.
Where Sleeping Dogs Lie
To write the book of his career, he will study a brutal crime. To uncover its secrets and reveal the truth he must enter the mind of a killer.
Delores Clairborne
They were separated by a death and reunited by a murder.
Robberies
The Getaway
A dangerous deal. A double-cross. And the ultimate set-up is yet to come.
Dead Presidents
In a daring armed robbery, they’ll risk everything for the ultimate score.
The Take
Taking it all will take everything he’s got.
Killing Zone
We go in, we get what we want, we get out.
Love-related crime
Victim of Love
She warned her patients about fatal attractions. She should’ve taken her own advice.
Sleeping with the Enemy
She changed her name, her looks, her life. All to escape the most dangerous man she knew – her husband.
Jade
Some fantasies go too far.
Revenge
The one passion more uncontrollable than love.
No Mercy
Murder brought them together, passion keeps them there.
A Kiss Before Dying
Loving him was easy. Trusting him was deadly.
Blind Judgement
She lived for him. She lied for him. Now she’ll kill for him.
The Mob/Mafia
Miller’s Crossing
When the mob meet the mafia, there’s only one outcome. War.
A Prayer for the Dying
The movement wants his heart. The mob wants his gun. Martin Fallon wants his freedom.
Gotti
In the mob, there’s only one thing more sacred than family. Silence.
Goodfellas
Three decades of life in the mafia.
Legal
Target Witness
She can identify a wanted killer. But to catch him, she’ll have to be the bait.
Eyewitness
You’re never more vulnerable than when you’ve seen too much.
Presumed Innocent
It’s always dangerous to presume.
The Verdict
The doctors, the church, the lawyers and even his own clients are desperate to settle. But Galvin is determined to defy them all. He will try the case.
Class Action
Nothing personal. It’s just father versus daughter in the fight of their lives.
Jagged Edge
When a murder case is this shocking, which do you trust? Your emotions or your evidence?
Music Box
As a lawyer she wanted nothing but the truth. As his daughter she wanted nothing but his innocence.
The Juror
There is no defense.
Gross Misconduct
Between guilt and innocence lies temptation.
Disclosure
Now it’s going to be your word against hers.
Indictment
The charges were shocking. The truth didn’t matter.
General
Crimson Tide
On the nuclear submarine USS Alabama one man has absolute power. And one man will do anything to stop him.
The Hunt for Red October
Invisible. Silent. Stolen.
Terminal Velocity
It’s not the fall that kills you.
Point Break
Together they take adventure past the point of no return.
Danger Zone
Danger is a way of life.
No Way Out
Is it a crime of passion or an act of treason?
Backdraft
One breath of oxygen and it explodes in a deadly rage.
A Season in Purgatory
A decade of damnation. A lifetime of deceit.
Heat
An epic story of crime and obsession.
A Time to Kill
It was a time to stand up for what they believed in. It was a time to doubt what they trusted. And no time for mistakes.
Primal Fear
Sooner or later a man who wears two faces forgets which one is real.
Spy
Changing the face won’t change the man. The past will always find you.
Malice
Her doctor wasn’t playing God. He thought he was God.
A Bronx Tale
When you live with criminals, chances are you’re going to die with them.
Streets of Fire
Enter a world where street gangs rule and violence is real.
Narrow Margin
Sometimes the difference between life and death can be a narrow margin.
Twister
The dark side of nature.
Light Sleeper
He was lured by drugs into a world in which no one rests. And few escape.
The Crying Game
Some secrets should never be revealed.
The Vanishing
Obsession is the ultimate weapon.
Speed
Get ready for rush hour.
Reflections on a Crime
After seven years on death row, Regina has one last night to reveal the truth.
True Colors
Lies. Deceit. Betrayal. It’s what friendship is all about.
Deceived
She thought she had the perfect life. But she was dead wrong.
Rumble in the Bronx
No fear. No stuntmen. No equal.
Drama
Love stories
Jude
It was a question every man must answer. Whether to follow his dreams no matter what. Or let go slowly and let life lead him where it will.
Legends of the Fall
There is a legend that must be told of what is savage in our hearts and what is wild in us all.
Sommersby
She knew his face, his touch, his voice. She knew everything about him but the truth.
First Knight
Experience the adventure that legends are made of.
Jane Eyre
An irrepressible spirit. An untamable heart. A love story for all time.
In Love and War
In war they found each other. In each other they found love.
Up Close and Personal
Every day we have is one more than we deserve.
Jason’s Lyric
The past ties them together. The hood will tear them apart.
Age of Innocence
In a world of tradition, in an age of innocence, they dared to break the rules.
Persuasion
It’s never too late for true love.
Interesting People
Casino
No one stays at the top forever.
Nixon
He changed a world but lost a nation.
Quiz Show
Fifty million people watched, but no one saw a thing.
The Crossing Guard
Some lives cross. Other collide.
The Shawshank Redemption
It takes a strong man to save himself. And a great man to save another.
Marvin’s Room
A story about the years that keep us apart and the moments that bring us together.
Alive
The true story of a triumph of the human spirit.
Waiting to Exhale
Friends are the people who let you be yourself and never let you forget it.
Chasing the Dragon
Mother. Lover. Addict. What she needs can save her. What she wants can kill her.
Bound
It’s not where you’ve been. It’s where you’re bound.
Comedy/Drama (or, Dramedy)
War of the Roses
Once in a lifetime comes a motion picture that makes you feel like falling in love all over again. This is not that movie.
Only You
It’s a once-in-a-lifetime date … with destiny.
Moonlight and Valentino
A film as funny, complicated and real … as life itself.
Clerks
Just because they serve you doesn’t mean they like you.
Mrs. Winterbourne
Just when Connie was running out of hope … she got herself a life. Unfortunately it was somebody else’s.
Keys to Tulsa
Blackmail. Seduction. Murder … It’s been a big weekend!
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
