by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Double-talk is language comprised of real and invented elements. It appears knowledgeable but is, in fact, meaningless. Much management lingo falls into this category. Here is a list of the true meaning of 11 management buzzwords and buzz phrases.
- actionable (adjective): Any task delegated to someone else.
- adhocracy (noun): Any organisational unit not designed by you.
- administrivia (noun): A management task imposed on you.
- alignment (noun): You agreeing with me.
- alliance (noun): Working together under your direction.
- analysis (noun): Research that supports your viewpoint.
- ballpark (noun or adjective): Close enough to be acceptable to you.
- benchmark (noun): The quality standard that you can get away with.
- best practice (noun phrase): The quality standard you refer to when you’ve been caught out merely benchmarking.
- big picture (noun phrase): A useful distraction is the data doesn’t support your vision.
- BS (noun phrase; initialism): Bloated Syntax; doubletalk; CEO-talk; MBA-speak; spin; and at least one other that I momentarily forget.
… … … … … …
by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
It is absolutely critical, crucial, compulsory, mandated, obligatory and essential to disambiguate wherever and whenever possible. Putting a perimeter around the parameter of an opinion, perception or plan helps to place boundaries around leaky argumentation, minimising confusion whilst augmenting veracity.
Here’s not so much a Dad joke as a pop quiz. In my hypothetical and simultaneously theoretical Double-talk Dictionary, does disambiguation mean:
- clarification
- classification
- cloudiness
- categorisation
- none of the above
- all of the above
- some of the above.
Answer:
8. Disambiguation is conjoint and co-equal systematisation, using converging and diverging parallel lines.
… … … … … … … … …
by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re late for work. You need to improvise a reason. Like many ad-libs, you have a few justifications, alibis and tricks already pre-prepared, because you’re used to doing more with less.
- You attended the early morning funeral of your last boss.
- You applied mouth-to-mouth to a co-worker suffering hyperventilation at the pub after work yesterday The wrong impression was given and had to be explained at length over breakfast.
- You ran into your boss’s boss and spent a lot of time praising your boss. You didn’t want to leave out any details.
- You were awake all night writing a work report and didn’t realise that it was time to go to the office. And besides, it would have been disrespectful to have arrived before the boss.
- You were trying to find a better backronym to retrofit to the acronym ‘BS’. In the end, you had to be satisfied with Bloated Syntax.
… … … … … …
by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
You’re an executive and you want to appear knowledgeable about computing. You only need these 25 throw-away concepts that have been obtusely planned for obsolescence. When you hear one too many of these IT buzzwords, shout ‘Bingo!’ – and go home.
- platform
- bandwidth
- googling
- programming
- click-thru
- hardware
- real-time
- compatible
- inexpensive
- scalable
- defenestration
- infonesia
- seamless
- enterprise
- keystroke
- synchronised
- error-free
- mobility
- text-based
- expert
- nerdistan
- turnkey
- generation
- parallel
- user-friendly.
… … … … … …
by Rodney Marks | Nov 28, 2016 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
A contronym (also spelled contranym) is a word – or short phrase – that is its own opposite. Contronyms can be useful to managers wanting to deliberately create ambiguity, to avoid being accountable for actions, policies, planning or decisions.
Here are some examples to help you with your obfuscation:
Off
off (the switch is off)
on (the alarm went off).
Seed
to seed can mean to plant or to fund
to remove seeds.
Bill
an invoice for payment
a payment.
Citation
commendation
condemnation.
Hoi polloi (who are you marketing to?)
the rank and file
the elite.
Hack
a brilliant solution
an improvised hodge-podge.
Oversight (one of my favourite types of committee)
watching over
not noticing.
Quantum leap
a tiny bit
a major change.
Strike
a success
a failure.
Consult
to give advice
to receive advice.
Lease or rent
to pay for the use of something
to receive money for the use of something.
Fix
to mend
to castrate.
Hold up
to help
to hinder.
Sanction (this is the classic example of a contronym)
to endorse
to boycott.
Scan
to view carefully
to view superficially.
Table
to bring forward to discussion
to withdraw from discussion.
Wind up
to start
to finish.
Model
a paradigm
a copy.
Presently
now
soon.
Fine
excellent
satisfactory.
Custom
common practice
special treatment.
Give out
to provide
to cease due to lack of supply.
With
alongside
against.
Transparent (transparency is a management value)
invisible
obvious.
Stakeholder
someone with a stake in an organisation
a bystander holding a stake for those placing a bet.
… … … … … … …
