by Rodney Marks | Jan 4, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
leisure
- Making laziness a virtue.
- Mythical, idyllic time between jobs.
lending
The process of renting money to people who can’t afford to buy it yet.
lesser evil
Bachelor of Business Administration.
level playing field
- Surveyor’s fantasy: a theodolite on a tripod.
- Where the goal posts were moved to.
liability
- A pain in the asset base.
- The amount that you paid for an asset when you thought that it was worth more.
- A lapsed asset.
- A re-valued asset.
liberal-minded
Someone who believes that everything is relative, including the claim that ‘everything is relative’.
(See idiot)
library
Place where homeless people watch TV.
lifelong learning
Slow learners.
lifetime warranty
(circular reasoning) A worthless guarantee which states that as long as the product is working, you’ll fix it, and that as soon as it is broken, its lifetime is over, and, consequently, so too is its warranty.
limited liability company
A business entity whose shareholders are limited and a liability to society.
liquidate
To make a liquid from a solid by letting off steam.
listening
Time to think of what you are going to say next.
literacy
- People who understand the literal meaning of symbols. Uncharacteristic of postmodernism.
- Numeracy for the innumerate.
literature
A body of knowledge that professionals consult after they retire.
litigation
More paperwork. A liturgy to litter, literally.
logic
The art of reasoning imposed on psychiatrists by their patients.
logistics
- A new word for very big trucks, created by the very big people who drive them, so no one’s going to argue. The same goes for supply chain management, which refers to both truck drivers and their bosses, and to other big people in the shipping and airfreight industries.
- The sequencing and measurement of queues, delays and excuses.
long-range planning
Planning that includes planning as part of its planning.
long-term
The next reporting period.
loophole
- A chance to keep your money whole.
- The holey dollar.
- The holy dollar.
loss leader
The fallback justification to which you retreat when selling something below cost.
loyalty
- The last domain of employees uncompetitive in the marketplace.
- Lack of ambition.
loyalty program
A plan to encourage customers to keep buying something when its intrinsic merit is not enough.
luck
Having a job with authority but no accountability.
(see management consultant)
Machiavellian
The art of managing people by lying to them and getting away with it, by (mis)quoting Machiavelli.
macroeconomics
Economists defending their income.
Magic
Psychological tests.
management
What managers do until they become leaders.
management academic
Someone who conspires with management students in the shared misbelief that:
- management can be taught, and
- management can be learnt.
Those who can: do.
Those who can’t: educate.
Those who can’t educate: consult.
Those who can’t consult: profess.
Those who can’t profess: train managers.
management by objectives (MBO)
Management by thinking about tomorrow instead of the day after.
management consultant
A highly educated unemployed person continually attending paid job interviews.
management retreat
- Sexual harassment without the sex.
- A temple in which the religion of management is taught backwards.
management school
Enrolled in by executives whose high opinion of their own leadership potential is not shared by their superiors. However, if your career is failing, an MBA won’t help.
management science
An oxymoronic description of management which assumes that all employees have read the same textbook: the one that the boss gave them.
managing director (MD)
The least informed person in the organisation. Just managing.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 3, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue on and on and on the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
joint venture
Shared risk without shared returns.
junk mail
Slow spam.
just price
Price.
justice
Fair enough.
just-in-time manufacturing or production
Justification for a seat-of-the-pants management style unsupported by adequate stock reserves.
key player
An employee you can’t sack before finding a replacement.
knee-jerk reaction
The tendency to knee a jerk in the reaction.
knowledge
What information is to data, knowledge is to information. This knowing ledge is an essential platform from which to escape a profit plateau.
knowledge worker
Human catalyst who traces the progress of data to information to knowledge to wisdom, and remains unaffected by the journey.
Labour Day
Twenty-four hours during which no work takes place, in order to celebrate the eight hour day.
laconic
Manner of speaking that makes inarticulateness a virtue.
laissez-faire
- Planning to have no plan.
- Planning to have a plan.
- Lazy fare.
- The economic belief that business can do better without government help.
landlord
The lessor of two evils.
language
What distinguishes humans from animals, and what humans use to deny the distinction.
lateral mobility
Moving the unsackable sideways.
lateral thinker
A prostitute at performance appraisal time.
lateral thinking
- Horizontal thinking performed by a management philosopher.
- Being promoted sideways, and, at the end of the day, thinking that that can’t be.
laughter
Honest response to a management decision.
launch
The ritual celebration of the birth of a new product or service, at which the baby is sold to pay for contraception.
law
The logically defensible rules of conduct, which obviously cannot be a creation of government, and against which managers immunise themselves. Used to put entrepreneurs in jail and to frighten managers. Not applicable to leaders.
lawyers
- Those who prosecute both sides of de fence.
- Justification for the existence of alternate dispute resolution.
- One of three groups of professionals, wedged between prostitutes and doctors, whom lawyers visit in sequence.
lay-offs
Weasel word for transferring the impact of management mistakes to subordinates.
laziness
Poor motivation.
lead by example
I am an example of good leadership; you should lead like I lead. Then there’ll be no followers …
lead time
The time between completing one prerequisite task and commencing its successor, minus the time taken to calculate it.
leader
If a manager is someone with paid followers, then a leader is someone with unpaid followers who will jump over the cliff with them, or even for them.
leadership
- What a leader does. And a leader shows leadership. Only a leader can see this apparent paradox as truth. The corollaries of this statement are:
- if you think this reasoning is circular, you’ll never make it to the top; and
- if you’re not confused, then you really don’t understand what’s going on.
- The relationship between the led and those who want to bewitch them.
learning curve
- A rounded education.
- A metaphor of a graphical representation of exponential acquisition.
- Turning educational corners.
- An educated guess.
learning opportunity
- A failure. There is no absolute failure, except the failure to say that your failure is not a learning opportunity.
- Anything and everything.
learning organisation
Potential customer for a teaching organisation.
lecture
A one-sided exchange of ideas between two parties, without passing through the minds of either.
legislation
A refuge for the white-collar criminal to retreat behind when explaining non-compliant corporate governance behaviour.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 2, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
Here we go again, with more of the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
intentions
Potholes on the road to management.
interest
- Additional unearned money that you receive if you lend money, or the additional money that you pay on money that you borrow. The difference between these two interest rates should always be in the favour of the banks, as this is how they are funded. The cost of capital is equivalent to calculating it.
- The price of time.
interim results
Retractable conclusions about financial performance.
internet
Communication medium for networking the depersonalisation of human contact.
internet access
What it takes you to realise that the information you are looking for is in your filing cabinet.
internet security
A continuous game between anti-virus and anti-spamming software developers, and 3 to 6 year olds auditioning for careers.
interview
A face-to-face meeting with a job candidate, before appointing the one most like the interviewer, their client or their boss.
intrapreneur
A manager pretending to be an entrepreneur, without risking his own capital.
in-tray
- Open-cut recycling bin.
- Bottomless pit of tasks which would have been completed if your colleagues had been competent.
intuition
A catch-all defense when logic fails.
invention
Something created from the inventory.
inventory
Over-ordered stock.
investment
A gamble that hasn’t yet paid off.
investment banking
The opposite of consumption banking, whereby the financial institution tries to make money from its customers.
invisible hand
Spontaneous order, in that organisations will prosper without management.
invoice
A document, valuable to the writer but inconsequential to the recipient, which makes an ambit claim on the latter’s funds.
irreversible decision
One that will be enforced until it is overturned.
isms
A lower case study about the International Strategic Management Society.
issues management
Outsourcing an apology.
it depends
Disclaimer.
italics
jargon
Language used by managers to obfuscate, bamboozle and befuddle everyone, even themselves.
jealousy
I resent that.
job description
A list of some of the things that might be expected from you in your role, but not as important as the unexplained (and inexplicable) catalogue of tasks that you actually perform, especially being a scapegoat for your immediate boss’s mistakes.
job dissatisfaction, or excuses for changing jobs
- Your diligence showed up colleagues as lazy, and they white-anted you so often.
- You have tried to broaden your experience base to bring to each new role a broad understanding of how the industry as a whole works.
- You embrace change, and whilst terribly loyal, always look for opportunities to grow, both as a person and as a professional.
job enlargement
Giving you wider responsibilities without extra pay.
job enrichment
Giving you deeper responsibilities without extra pay.
job rotation
Swapping your crummy job for someone else’s, without extra pay.
job satisfaction
- A feeling promoted by executive search consultants when mere salary isn’t enough.
- The pleasure given to people who enlarge, enrich or rotate other people’s jobs.
- Something you spend.
- Indication of lack of initiative.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 1, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
incompetence
People-orientated, collegial, compassionate, democratic, emotionally intelligent, management-schooled, liberal-minded, flexible, open-minded, visionary modus operandi.
incompetent
Antonym of Machiavellian.
indecisiveness
indemnity
Insuring yourself against your own incompetence.
independence
Quality of the loose cannon who fires broadsides at meetings.
indifference
- Turning a deaf ear to customers’ complaints. A suggestion box without the box.
- Being cool.
individualism
Belief in the value of the individual, especially when no-one agrees with you. Inconsistent with the practice of management.
industrial espionage
Competitive research.
industrial psychology
The use of a caring profession in an uncaring way.
industrial sociology
The use of a non-caring profession in a caring way.
industry
A sector that works.
industry relations
The forced tripartite relationship between government, employees and employers, based on the misconception that they have common goals. Best to let consumers work it out.
inertia
The closest thing to stability achieved by most organisations.
inflation
- An increase in the quantity of money.
- Another form of taxation without consent.
- The creation, by government, of less from more.
information
News to abuse.
information technology
Software-hardware integration, into which randomly selected knowledge is placed temporarily, only to see it irrevocably transmuted into meaningless gibberish upon output.
infrastructure
The synthesised vertices and integrated, interconnected interfaces of the meta-architecture of a system’s physical resources, sometimes designed to dovetail with the nexuses of human resources, sometimes designed to supersede them.
initiative
Putting your initials to an action.
innocent
Not yet guilty.
innovation
Creativity you get paid for.
insanity
Inflexible idea that any individual manager is important, indispensable and irreplaceable.
insolvent
The state of being in sudsy liquid, where froth bubbles and vice versa, for the purpose of cleaning hard-to-remove stains from your balance sheet.
inspiration
Temporary insanity.
institution
Institute for incantation and decanting.
instructions
Managers telling managers how to manage.
insubordination
- Clearing your throat during your boss’s PowerPoint presentation.
- Clarifying to your boss what you thought they said.
- Free speech.
intangible asset
Something that you’re happy to quantify when selling and to qualify when buying.
integration
Compelling competing business entities to work together.
integrity
Principled rectitude.
intellectual
The official enemy of managers. The first person to be shot, come the managerial revolution.
intellectual property
Where intellectuals live.
intelligence tests
- Gauge of compliance – provides evidence of the intelligent refusal to do them.
- Superseded by emotional intelligence tests.
- Measure of proficiency at intelligence tests.
- Politically correct way of dividing them from us.
- Bag of tricks invented by psychologists; used by managers to assess entry into their profession, but excludes nobody (see idiot).
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 1, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue with the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
HR
People in the workplace, so-called because a Human Resource is easier to under-resource, ignore, downsize, rightsize or outsource.
human relations
My relatives, but not yours; your relatives, but not mine.
human resource
Person available for manipulation by the organisation.
human resource (HR) manager
Someone whose job it is to divide the workforce into misanthropes, misandronists and misogynists.
humanitarian
Manager who knows the PA’s name.
hygiene
- A factor in the productivity of workers, which says that unless you pay folk well, they won’t be motivated to do well, but that paying people really well doesn’t marginally increase output. Not fashionable among remuneration committees voting themselves large bonuses, nor among behavioural scientists who’ve looked at the original research methodology.
- What organisations have when the clean out their HR departments.
- Washing your hands after sacking someone.
- Washing your hands after outsourcing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after offshoring someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after downsizing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after rightsizing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after outsourcing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after shaking a subordinate‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a superior‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a peer‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a customer‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a client‘s hand.
- Washing one of your hands after touching the other one.
hypocrite
Manager who claims he’s a leader.
hypothesis
The finding of management consultants.
hysteria (derived from the Greek word for uterus)
- A form of melodrama invented by men to cope with the female sense of humour.
- A form of melodrama invented by women to cope with the male sense of humour.
I
The supreme object of love.
ID
- Giving people numbers instead of names. This is actually a more personalised form of identification, as numbers are more numerous than names.
- Good for the ego.
- Necessary for the superego.
ideal
My deal.
ideas
- What managers outsource.
- The belief that managers think that they think.
- Only ever thought of when you don’t have any.
identity
When you become your business card.
ideology
- Ideas – but not ideals – used to promote management as a profession.
- What managers follow.
- What leaders suspect.
idiot
- Someone who thinks an MBA is important.
- What a manager thinks the consumer is.
i.e. (inarticulateness explained)
Admission that you have failed to communicate clearly the first time, and that you are looking to blame and patronise the reader by re-stating your original point in simpler language. In other words, ‘in other words’.
ignorance
The state of knowing that you know nothing, which is more than others know.
(see idiot)
illiteracy
- Entry criterion for admission to an MBA programme.
- Entry criterion for admission to an MBA program.
illusion
Seeing your team nodding in agreement when they’re nodding off.
imagination
The ability to think with your mind’s eye about something not actually present. Not recommended to be used whilst operating heavy machinery or driving. Or anywhere in the corporate world.
immorality
Postmodern amorality.
implementation
Something best left to middle management, as its accountability quotient is dangerously high for the CEO, the COO, the CFO, the CIO, the CMO and so on.
imports
Traditionally come from overseas.
impossible
Managerial self-development.
incentive
One hundredth of a dollar.
incentive system
Yelling: ‘Work harder, you bastards!’ When this is deemed politically incorrect, more emotionally damaging structures are put in place, such as the practice of the least efficient managers being routinely de-hired.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
