by Rodney Marks | Jan 1, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
incompetence
People-orientated, collegial, compassionate, democratic, emotionally intelligent, management-schooled, liberal-minded, flexible, open-minded, visionary modus operandi.
incompetent
Antonym of Machiavellian.
indecisiveness
indemnity
Insuring yourself against your own incompetence.
independence
Quality of the loose cannon who fires broadsides at meetings.
indifference
- Turning a deaf ear to customers’ complaints. A suggestion box without the box.
- Being cool.
individualism
Belief in the value of the individual, especially when no-one agrees with you. Inconsistent with the practice of management.
industrial espionage
Competitive research.
industrial psychology
The use of a caring profession in an uncaring way.
industrial sociology
The use of a non-caring profession in a caring way.
industry
A sector that works.
industry relations
The forced tripartite relationship between government, employees and employers, based on the misconception that they have common goals. Best to let consumers work it out.
inertia
The closest thing to stability achieved by most organisations.
inflation
- An increase in the quantity of money.
- Another form of taxation without consent.
- The creation, by government, of less from more.
information
News to abuse.
information technology
Software-hardware integration, into which randomly selected knowledge is placed temporarily, only to see it irrevocably transmuted into meaningless gibberish upon output.
infrastructure
The synthesised vertices and integrated, interconnected interfaces of the meta-architecture of a system’s physical resources, sometimes designed to dovetail with the nexuses of human resources, sometimes designed to supersede them.
initiative
Putting your initials to an action.
innocent
Not yet guilty.
innovation
Creativity you get paid for.
insanity
Inflexible idea that any individual manager is important, indispensable and irreplaceable.
insolvent
The state of being in sudsy liquid, where froth bubbles and vice versa, for the purpose of cleaning hard-to-remove stains from your balance sheet.
inspiration
Temporary insanity.
institution
Institute for incantation and decanting.
instructions
Managers telling managers how to manage.
insubordination
- Clearing your throat during your boss’s PowerPoint presentation.
- Clarifying to your boss what you thought they said.
- Free speech.
intangible asset
Something that you’re happy to quantify when selling and to qualify when buying.
integration
Compelling competing business entities to work together.
integrity
Principled rectitude.
intellectual
The official enemy of managers. The first person to be shot, come the managerial revolution.
intellectual property
Where intellectuals live.
intelligence tests
- Gauge of compliance – provides evidence of the intelligent refusal to do them.
- Superseded by emotional intelligence tests.
- Measure of proficiency at intelligence tests.
- Politically correct way of dividing them from us.
- Bag of tricks invented by psychologists; used by managers to assess entry into their profession, but excludes nobody (see idiot).
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
by Rodney Marks | Jan 1, 2017 | Business, Comedian, Comedy, Corporate, Events, Hoax, Keynote, Speaker, Speaking
We continue with the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).
It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.
The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.
… … … … …
HR
People in the workplace, so-called because a Human Resource is easier to under-resource, ignore, downsize, rightsize or outsource.
human relations
My relatives, but not yours; your relatives, but not mine.
human resource
Person available for manipulation by the organisation.
human resource (HR) manager
Someone whose job it is to divide the workforce into misanthropes, misandronists and misogynists.
humanitarian
Manager who knows the PA’s name.
hygiene
- A factor in the productivity of workers, which says that unless you pay folk well, they won’t be motivated to do well, but that paying people really well doesn’t marginally increase output. Not fashionable among remuneration committees voting themselves large bonuses, nor among behavioural scientists who’ve looked at the original research methodology.
- What organisations have when the clean out their HR departments.
- Washing your hands after sacking someone.
- Washing your hands after outsourcing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after offshoring someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after downsizing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after rightsizing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after outsourcing someone’s role.
- Washing your hands after shaking a subordinate‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a superior‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a peer‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a customer‘s hand.
- Washing your hands after shaking a client‘s hand.
- Washing one of your hands after touching the other one.
hypocrite
Manager who claims he’s a leader.
hypothesis
The finding of management consultants.
hysteria (derived from the Greek word for uterus)
- A form of melodrama invented by men to cope with the female sense of humour.
- A form of melodrama invented by women to cope with the male sense of humour.
I
The supreme object of love.
ID
- Giving people numbers instead of names. This is actually a more personalised form of identification, as numbers are more numerous than names.
- Good for the ego.
- Necessary for the superego.
ideal
My deal.
ideas
- What managers outsource.
- The belief that managers think that they think.
- Only ever thought of when you don’t have any.
identity
When you become your business card.
ideology
- Ideas – but not ideals – used to promote management as a profession.
- What managers follow.
- What leaders suspect.
idiot
- Someone who thinks an MBA is important.
- What a manager thinks the consumer is.
i.e. (inarticulateness explained)
Admission that you have failed to communicate clearly the first time, and that you are looking to blame and patronise the reader by re-stating your original point in simpler language. In other words, ‘in other words’.
ignorance
The state of knowing that you know nothing, which is more than others know.
(see idiot)
illiteracy
- Entry criterion for admission to an MBA programme.
- Entry criterion for admission to an MBA program.
illusion
Seeing your team nodding in agreement when they’re nodding off.
imagination
The ability to think with your mind’s eye about something not actually present. Not recommended to be used whilst operating heavy machinery or driving. Or anywhere in the corporate world.
immorality
Postmodern amorality.
implementation
Something best left to middle management, as its accountability quotient is dangerously high for the CEO, the COO, the CFO, the CIO, the CMO and so on.
imports
Traditionally come from overseas.
impossible
Managerial self-development.
incentive
One hundredth of a dollar.
incentive system
Yelling: ‘Work harder, you bastards!’ When this is deemed politically incorrect, more emotionally damaging structures are put in place, such as the practice of the least efficient managers being routinely de-hired.
… … … … …
Rodney Marks
I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.
For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.
