1.      If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late. James Goldsmith

2.      Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi

3.      Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? Steve Jobs

4.      The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. Lilly Tomlin

5.      Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. Jim Collins

6.      The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vidal Sassoon

7.      When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. Ronald Reagan

8.      Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. George Bernard Shaw

9.      Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. Oscar Wilde

10.  The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Roy L. Smith

11.  Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

12.  Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. Laurence J. Peter, The Peter Principle

13.  Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Cyril Northcote, Parkinson’s Law.

14.  A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. David Brinkley

15.  The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Joseph Stilwell

16.  Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. Sloan Wilson

17.  I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw

18.  Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. Andrew Young

19.  There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Kin Hubbard

20.  There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. David Letterman

21.  Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. Howard Aiken

22.  There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker

23.  By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost

24.  Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson

25.  Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill

26.  A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. William Feather

27.  If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. J. Paul Getty

28.  The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Bette Midler

29.  Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan

30.  If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin

31.  Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns

32.  If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Malcolm S. Forbes

33.  It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money. PJ O’Rourke

34.  Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose

35.  If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average. MH Alderson

36.  If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. WC Fields

37.  If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp

38.  If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Kirk Kirkpatrick

39.  The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George

40.  Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell

41.  Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown

42.  It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Adlai Stevenson

43.  All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain

44.  Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment. Scott Adams, Dilbert

45.  Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard

46.  The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

47.  All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. Aristotle

48.  In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities. Les Claypool

49.  Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes. Henry Thoreau

50.  Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim Halpert, The Office

51.  Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. Benjamin Disraeli

52.  You never become a howling success by just howling. Bob Harrington

53.  Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Goldstein S. Truism

54.  Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Joseph Heller

55.  Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

56.  Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson

57.  Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte

58.  One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. Josh Billings

59.  There’s nothing so improves the mood of the Party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague. Alan Clark

60.  I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt

61.  Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues. David Ogilvy

62.  One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell.

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Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.