1. All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won’t.
  2. All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
  3. All work and no play will make you a manager.
  4. Any theory can be made to fit the facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
  5. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
  6. (Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)
  7. Better latent than never.
  8. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  9. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
  10. Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you’re doing.
  11. Dare to be average.
  12. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
  13. Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
  14. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  15. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
  16. Enough research will tend to support your theory.
  17. Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
  18. Rule of defactualisation: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
  19. Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
  20. Stay in with the outs.
  21. Success can be assured only by devising a defence against failure of the contingency plan.
  22. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited.
  23. The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
  24. The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
  25. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.
  26. The light at the end of the tunnel is a train hurtling towards you.
  27. The longer the title, the less important the job.
  28. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
  29. The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.
  30. The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
  31. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
  32. The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
  33. The organisation of any program reflects the organisation of the people who developed it.
  34. The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  35. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
  36. There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
  37. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
  38. If enough data is collected, anything can be proved statistically.
  39. If there is a 50:50 chance that something can go wrong, then nine times out of 10 it will.
  40. If you’re already in a hole, stop digging.
  41. If you can’t measure output, measure input.
  42. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
  43. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.