If you don’t have a sense of humour, you may not have any sense at all. Here are some jokes to share around your real or virtual water cooler:

  1. If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
  2. I’ve haven’t been to work for four days. I’ve almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
  3. I hate daylight savings. I was 30 minutes early to work this morning.
  4. I think that my assumptions are starting to annoy people.
  5. If I were to ask you for a raise, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
  6. The question that keeps me awake all night is: ‘Why can’t I sleep?
  7. You know your career prospects are dim when you can’t get a job volunteering at an op shop.
  8. One comedian complains to another: ‘We’re so broke that we can’t even afford punch lines to our jokes’. And the other guy says
  9. I hate being a contrarian. It’s amazing.
  10. I refuse to cut corners, which is why I lost my job as a carpenter.
  11. I have a theory that it’s impossible to prove anything. But I can’t prove it.
  12. The healthiest part of the bagel is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat the rest of it to get there, and by that time it’s too late.
  13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  14. If you can’t be part of the solution, insist on being most of the problem.
  15. What’s big, grey and unimportant? An irrelephant. Not the boss.
  16. Capitalism: where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  17. Money talks. Mine just said: ‘Goodbye’.
  18. I always cry at the same spot at the opera – the box office.
  19. Guillotine: a French chopping centre.
  20. If you want to a leader with a large following, obey the speed limit on a long and winding road.
  21. When the petrol pump asks me to select a grade, I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing.
  22. Why don’t we take this relationship to the next level and you lend me some money?
  23. I may not be the only egomaniac in the world, but I’m the only one who matters.
  24. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  25. I’m not awake until I’ve had two cups of coffee and a nap.
  26. When it comes to charity, I stop at nothing.
  27. You know you’re getting old when your bank sends your free calendar one month at a time.
  28. In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.
  29. A high-stress job is one where you work with other people.
  30. Sometimes I make a mental note and then forget where I put it.
  31. The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. That’s why I have no friends.

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Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.