1. It takes a long time to explain what you don’t know.
  2. For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
  3. He works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  4. Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
  5. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
  6. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has no letters? Post office (from 2017 on, snail mail has become redunadant).
  7. I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.
  8. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  9. The reward for a job well done is more work.
  10. There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
  11. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
  12. Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
  13. Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
  14. I always tell new subordinates: ‘Don’t think of me as your boss; think of me as your friend who can fire you’.
  15. I work to buy a car to go to work.
  16. I refused to believe my traffic cop father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  17. Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
  18. Why don’t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
  19. Uber lost over a $1b in the last six months, so they’re asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
  20. I start every conversation with my colleagues by saying, ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this’, just so I know they’ll listen.
  21. My business partner hired a fact-checker for when we argue, and he allocated the expense to my drawings.
  22. My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  23. The reason we ‘nod off to sleep’ at meetings is so it looks like we’re agreeing with everything.
  24. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  25. The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
  26. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  27. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  28. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.