1. I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
  2. Who says ‘nothing is impossible’. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  3. I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
  4. We never knew he was a drunk until he showed up to work sober.
  5. When my boss told me this is the fifth time I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday.
  6. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  7. Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
  8. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
  9. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
  10. How long have I been working for the company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
  11. Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
  12. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  13. The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
  14. A healthy nap not only makes you feel better, it also shortens the work day.
  15. Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.
  16. If we knew what we were doing it wouldn’t be called research.
  17. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  18. If you worked hard and didn’t get anything in return, it means someone else got it.
  19. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  20. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.
  21. My resume is just a list of things I hope I never get asked to do.
  22. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  23. I can’t be fired. Slaves are sold.
  24. If work is so great, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  25. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.