1. For just $100 a month you can reduce your annual income by $1,200.
  2. I’ve been voted employee of the month for the past 22 months. Being self-unemployed isn’t all bad.
  3. I received a notice about an ‘outstanding payment’. I don’t remember making it, but I glad they liked it so much.
  4. If you’re trying to fend off Alzheimer’s, try lending someone some money.
  5. Also, if you can remember how to spell it, you haven’t got Alzheimer’s.
  6. It’s never too late to start, which is why I’m putting it off until tomorrow.
  7. The only downside to my six-figure salary is the decimal point.
  8. Who would I like to be stuck in a lift with? A lift engineer. Certainly not a prescriptive linguist with a focus on preposition placement.
  9. Why did I want to be a film editor? Well, to cut a long story short …
  10. Never have a motto. That’s my motto.
  11. Procrastinators: the leaders of tomorrow.
  12. Plagiarism: getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  13. The grass may be greener on the other side, but their water bill is higher.
  14. Be a team player: it diffuses the blame.
  15. You leaving the office for four weeks is all the holiday I need.
  16. I don’t believe in democracy … and neither do you.
  17. Humans: zero to sixty in sixty years.
  18. Jokes about self-funded retirees are getting old.
  19. Rubbish: the stuff you throw away. Stuff: the rubbish you keep.
  20. Haloumi: who said it was cheesy to greet yourself in the third person?
  21. Unfortunately, I have one pair of running shoes and 16 pairs of eating shoes.
  22. Drugs are never the answer. Unless the clue is: ‘Narcotics, five letters’.
  23. I’m a pretty good ventriloquist, even if I say so myself.
  24. I once had a recurring dream.
  25. ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’  ‘Yes, what font is this?’

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I am an Australian comedian, comedy hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I present comic hoax keynotes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.