Board members and senior executives sometimes need their writing to be read. At other times, boring writing is their ally.
If you want to be read, use comedy.
… … … … …
Chairman’s – mock/faux – Report to Stakeholders
The winds of change blew through the Outplacement Industry during this financial year. The climatic switch began when the Profession fell under a cloud from a groundswell of unfavourable media reports. Demand began to ebb. The Outplacement Organisations’ Professional Society (OOPS), a shining beacon for the Industry since the halcyon days of the 1980s, was in the spotlight of media attention over a widely publicised but unrelated taxation matter. Outplacement per se was at sea, so Icon Pty Ltd took the helm.
From July to September we were in the eye of the storm. As our competitors surfed a tidal wave of departures, we found ourselves flooded with work.
October, November and December found us snowed under putting out bushfires after the OOPS scandal had erupted. We went from a landside victory on the market share front in the first quarter to an avalanche of client migration in the second quarter.
January to March, traditionally a quiet period, was business as usual.
April to June saw us deliver a whirlwind marketing campaign which blitzed our main opposition. We struck like lightening into the maelstrom that the marketplace had become.
We took the opportunity of the downturn that a low tide provides, to find somefresh crew members, which fortunately coincided with some of our old dogs finding greener pastures elsewhere. Whilst unnamed industry sources claimed that this was changing deckchairs on the Titanic, we firmly believe that the ship of state has cast a clear course for land.
Guy Dance (sic) – Chairman
… … … … …
The CFO’s – mock/faux – Finance Report
ICON Pty Limited had a very solid first year of investment in its future profitability. Outlays exceeded expenditure by a healthy 1.5:1 ratio. We now have a respectable debt, which has enabled further bank borrowings to be approved.
ICON is safe from hostile takeover threats, although we are actively looking to sell down equity to a silent partner. Any potential silent partner wanting more information is encouraged to contact the undersigned.
Our income for the financial year 2016-17 was derived from client fees. Some of this income is yet to be actually received, but in keeping with Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, we have used an accrual approach. All monies earned, whether or not they have been received, have been declared as income.
Provision for bad debts has been put at zero. Given that our clients are major corporates or government departments, the risk professionals in ICON’s finance directorate at 100 percent confident that all will pay up, eventually. However, we want our shareholders to know that we have not overlooked the possibility of bad debts, and so have placed the line entry in the Income and Expenditure Statement, with a nil value alongside it.
Warren Teehey (sic) – Financial Controller
… … … … …
I’m an Australian comedian, hoax speaker and corporate impostor. I mainly present comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.
Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.