Management Contradictionary: company photo day to consultation

Here are more business jokes, masquerading as the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).

It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.

The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.

…   …   …   …   …

company photo day

If you need a photo to remember something, then it’s not worth remembering.

compensation

Inadequate recompense for your time.

competence

Getting away with it.

competitor

Someone whose funeral you’re prepared to attend, and even arrange.

computer

  1. A device to increase paperwork.
  2. A machine that timelines the ignorance of IT companies, and is three months out of date as soon as it hits your desk.

computer program

An escalating game played between program developers and program consumers, in which the latter test-market the product at their own expense, making suggestions for improvements that should have been built into the software in the first place.

conditioning

It’s not my fault; society is to blame.

conference

An expensive meeting at which people confer.

conflict

  1. Two or more individuals or groups of individuals or entities in neither total agreement nor total disagreement over one or more matters of greater or lesser importance in and of themselves.
  2. Two or more individuals or groups of individuals or entities in total agreement or total disagreement over one or more matters of greater or lesser importance in and of themselves.

conformity

When everyone sings the company song from the same page of the corporate hymn sheet, when all the ducks are in a row, and when the troops – in formation – line up to salute the company logo.

conglomerate

An organisation so diverse that even it doesn’t know what business it is in.

congress

A digressed conference.

conscience

A quality claimed by compliance managers to justify their salaries.

consciousness

  1. I.
  2. That which humans use to deny I.

consensus

The authors could not come to an agreement on this definition.

conservative

Someone who prefers the jam we’re in.

conspiracy

Working together.

consultation

Using groupthink to create scapegoats.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Management Contradictionary: climate change to company car

We continue the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).

It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. The book is in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts – past, present and future – from eh? to zzz.

The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.

…   …   …   …   …

climate change

When culture change fails, and change management doesn’t work, contemporary business leaders use climate change to deflect analysis and criticism of internal organisational issues, in much the same way that government leaders use war, poverty, refugees, Third World debt and – climate change.

CLM

  1. Career Limiting Move
  2. Customer Lifecycle Management
  3. Closed Loop Marketing
  4. Called, Left Message
  5. Continuous Learning Module
  6. Common Law Marriage
  7. Critical thinking
  8. Thought leadership
  9. Insubordination
  10. Resignation.

club

Tribal meeting place where non-members are beaten about the head.

coach

  1. Out-sorcerer of a manager’s psyche.
  2. Someone who assists a manager in the dereliction of his duty to delegate one of the few non-delegatable tasks in his job description.
  3. Management consultant who improves organisations person by person, and charges accordingly.

coercion

Persuasion by your manager.

cognitive intelligence

The ability to conceptualise a profit when one doesn’t exist, in the face of the facts being drawn to your attention by the clearly unintelligent.

cold call

Asking people you don’t know for work, on the basis that people who do know you don’t want to work with you. Good practice for pre‑Alzheimer executives.

collaboration

You doing what I tell you to do, in a timely fashion.

colleague

A competitor known to you by his first name, often working in your organisation and vying with you for promotion and other perks.

collusion

An off-the-record deal, the unremarkable lifeblood of competitive behaviour, which inconveniently becomes public knowledge.

comfort zone

Cosy corner from which managers are required to proactively move forward by thinking laterally, innovatively and creatively, outside the nine dots and beyond the circle.

commerce

Horse-trading by the top end of town.

commitment

Evidence of managerial madness manifested as a consent to accountability; punished by being straight-jacketed in a bureaucracy until cured by a dose of lucidity.

committee

A group of expendable employees whose role is to act as a collective scapegoat.

communication

Me telling you.

community

Chance to get away from yourself.

company car

A vehicle for minimising personal income tax whilst transporting you to another place.

(See salary packaging)

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Management Contradictionary: challenges to client

We keep rolling through the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).

It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.

The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.

… … … … …

challenges

Problems.

change agent

Someone perennially dissatisfied with their lot – and yours.

change management

Fallacious belief that people want to change their work behaviour or that, even if they want to, they can. A popular way to implement a change management program is to change management.

chaos

What will result if you don’t do it my way.

character

Moral fibre lubricating the organisational irritable bowel syndrome of balanced decision-makers. To say a manager has a good character is like saying that an unattractive teenager has a good personality.

charisma

Gift of grace: possessed by miracle-workers who generally die young. Misapplied to managers and politicians.

chauvinism

The defence of management by managers for security.

cheating

  1. Disagreement over rules.
  2. Success by any means.
  3. A recognition that endemic rule-breaking is central to organisational survival.

children

  1. Liabilities.
  2. Expensive and unreliable couriers for passing messages between former spouses.
  3. After-hours mistakes.
  4. Risky investments with a very long pay-off period, or maybe none at all. Not for the faint-hearted.

choice

  1. Used by managers to abrogate responsibility.
  2. What people select to deny that they have options.

circular

(noun) A circumlocutory memo sent on a circuitous route in a roundabout manner.

circular reasoning

(See reasoning, circular)

civilisation

The concealment of avarice with jealousy.

clarity

Management communication created under the influence of claret.

classics

  1. Your most recent corporate annual report update, memo, proposal, performance evaluation, and job application.
  2. Writings of management gurus, now remaindered, published before you were a manager, containing the collective fads of a fashionable profession.

cleaners

  1. Employees who work without making a mess.
  2. Employees who make work of mess, as distinct from other employees – who make a mess of work.

cliché

  1. Anything following and including the disclaimer: “I know that this is a cliché, but … ”
  2. In a nutshell, to get to the root of the matter, at this point in time, it is jargon used by someone else to get more bang for their buck.

client

  1. Moral blackmailer.
  2. Emotional blackmailer.
  3. Someone who requires work from you.
  4. Annoying, intrusive individual or organisation who or which regularly makes unreasonable claims on organisational resources, including (but not limited to) requests for products and services paid for, but not received, or if received, received in a condition inferior to that originally agreed to.

… … … … …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Management Contradictionary: calling to chairperson

I trust that you’re enjoying the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).

It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.

The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.

…   …   …   …   …

calling

Delusion.

capital

  1. What you had before you allocated it.
  2. The city where your profit went.

career

A life sentence for committing the crime of having a family.

 caring

Making loving, giving and sharing believable.

case study

Business war story chosen to support your management philosophy.

cash flow

Key economic indicator of viability. Like sex appeal, you’ve either got or you haven’t, and if you haven’t, claims about potential won’t help.

cash incentive

Cash.

casualise

  1. The professional inability to commit.
  2. Making staff unemployed at the end of every shift.
  3. Making staff fight for every session.
  4. Making overtime over time.
  5. The belief in the short-term.
  6. Workplace dating.

catalyst

Someone who causes change in others whilst remaining completely unaffected.

catharsis

Emotional chunder.

caveat

A warning about a warning that lets you off the hook. In fact, if what has been warned about eventuates, even though it might be your fault, both preparedness and prophecy can be claimed by the caveat communicator.

caveat emptor

Let the buyer beware of the seller, because the seller is untrustworthy, unscrupulous, completely devoid of business ethics and likely to defraud; does not apply when you are the seller. Placing the words ‘caveat emptor: conditions apply’ on all products might prevent litigation.

celebrate

To make someone famous for a moment, merely for doing their job.

celebrity

Prophet in a financial year.

censoring

Filleting your truth for mine, for your own good.

centralisation

  1. One end of the autonomy-control continuum, popular when independence fails.
  2. Using circular reasoning instead of business planning.
  3. Being diametrically opposed to diameters.

CEO

  1. Chief Expert Obfuscator
  2. Code Enforcement Officer
  3. Chief Entertainment Officer
  4. Casualty Evacuation Officer
  5. Combine Expensive Operations
  6. Catholic Education Office.

CFO

  1. Manager who stops the buck.
  2. Manager who wears a check shirt so that, if the spreadsheet software crashes, it can be pinned to the wall with all those columns and rows adding up to the total in the bottom right-hand cell.
  3. Manager who ensures that the profit equals the loss.

chair

Manager who tables emotions, and then tabulates them.

chairperson

The individual responsible for casting the seating around the board table and for couching dissent as consensus.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.

Management Contradictionary: bull market to call centre

Here is even more of the episodic publication of The Management Contradictionary (Benjamin Marks, Rodney Marks, and Robert Spillane. Michelle Anderson Publishing: Melbourne).

It’s available in all good libraries, and quite a few bad ones, too. It’s in alphabetical order, so feel free to keep reading the blog posts until you get to z, or zzz.

The Management Contradictionary defines the real meaning behind management terms.

bull market

Environment in which shares are traded on the basis of bull received from companies.

bullshit

What stops managers killing each other.

bureaucracy

Multi-layered black hole into which people, physical resources, money and time are sucked, never to reappear.

bureaucrat

A crat who has fallen from the mantle onto the bureau.

business cycle

Not what it used to be, and never was. Neither caused by business nor a cycle. It is caused by government printing money without backing, and business being defrauded by it.

business ethics

  1. All manner of good and bad things as good and bad, but not necessarily in that order.
  2. Moving set of temporary values created by organisations to quash uninformed criticism from government and shareholders.

business expenses

  1. Items successfully claimed as tax deductions.
  2. Items bought with government money for private benefit.

business lunch

  1. A way to accumulate frequent intake incentives
  2. A way to accumulate frequent imbibe brownie points
  3. A method to benefit from feeding and watering the cattle class
  4. Putting the quid into quid pro quo
  5. A bribe
  6. Positive reinforcement
  7. A bargaining chip for extortion
  8. A bargaining chip for blackmail
  9. A bonus
  10. A carrot to an individual in order to stick it to a group
  11. Wholesaling retail influence peddling
  12. Extraction of personal gratification from professional negotiations
  13. Intimacy with legitimacy
  14. Precursor to a post-prandial nap
  15. Precursor to cursing.

business model

A reverse-engineered retrofitted abstraction of reality, accurate after the fact, because of the fact.

business objective

The second part of the two-part ubiquitous training program, ‘Business Aims and Objectives’, which has no relationship to what executives think about, talk about or actually do.

business park

  1. A campus whose premises are based on assumptions.
  2. An oxymoron, like fun run, petty cash, spend thrift, job security, crisis management and home office.

business plan

Hypothetical and theoretical, tentative and hesitant pathway to the future, measured in various time periods, although no-one has ever seen a five-year plan in its fifth year.

buying-in

The psychological process of requiring employees to agree with bosses.

buzz words

Enthusiastically ambiguous expressions used to assert the status of the speaker whilst promising nothing.

(See above and below)

by-product

Something tangential that might come out of your core business process; especially useful if that process is a dud.

call centre

The home of highly skilled, headset-wearing, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, polyglot human knowledge repositories with nice telephone manners, condescended to by tomorrow’s dole recipients.

…   …   …   …   …

Rodney Marks

I’m an Australian corporate comedian, performing comic hoaxes at business events. If you like these blogs, you’ll like my live comedy. If you don’t like these blogs, you still might like my live comedy.

Add comedian.com.au to your bookmarks, and one day: book Marks. I don’t do cheap jokes, and I’m freer than you think. I’m comical not anatomical, economical not astronomical.

For more info – and to contact me directly – see my LinkedIn profile, and website: www.comedian.com.au. I’m based in Sydney and travel widely.